Royal Plans

Recently I have been reading, researching, and studying Buddhism.  I still have infinite lessons to learn.  Not only with this newfound interest; in endless areas of my life as well as existence in general.

Letting go seems to be my most prevalent fault.  It has always been a challenge for me, but at this point in my life I am realizing how much it has held me back, hindered my growth, and contributed to much pain in my past.  Even now, I know that I am still holding on to things I should have demolished by now.

My battle is with the deep amounts of love that I feel.  The attachment.  I struggle with finding the courage to release something/someone that has been a part of me for so very long.  And although I know there is nothing left to hold onto, the thought of letting go is equivalent to agreeing to never think of any of it again.  To surrender.  It feels as if I choose to say goodbye to that enormous part of my past that what I am really saying is that it never existed.  If I let go, did it ever really happen?  Does it disappear?  It continues to hurt me every day.

I still don’t have an answer, but I am always trying.  To understand me.  To understand love, pain, and letting go.  To understand the depths of my emotions and how to feel them, share them, and use them to move through moments instead of getting stuck within them.

 

Mind Memorandum

If you believe in any sort of higher power, spirituality, force of life, or predetermined destiny-lined path; hear this.  Everything will change.  Constants sway, shift, rock, fall, climb, and soar across our endless uncharted skies.

Change is undeniably, entirely, and unbelievably necessary; refreshing and healing.  Flow with it, feel it, expect it, embrace it and live for it.  Learn from it.  Everyday.

{to be continued}

Queen of the Fighters

Today I glanced upon my very out-of-date blogging avatar.  When looking at pictures from my past, I often feel surprised at just how much I have changed, as well as how much I should have loved myself in the moment.  The truth is, I am often waiting for something big (or small) in order to feel good enough.  Waiting for the next paycheck so I don’t feel worthless and broke.  Waiting to be smaller so I can fit into old clothes and not hate myself when I look in the mirror.  Waiting to graduate so that I can finally have some stability and success.  Waiting for my next visit home so that I can see my family again and re-fill the parts of me that are hollow.  Educating myself about my infertility and waiting to get pregnant so that I don’t feel the empty and devastating feeling that I will never know what it feels like to be a mother and as society would say, “never experience real love”.

I am aware that so many of these thoughts are bullshit, but when you are immersed in expectations, images, others lives, and comparisons 24/7, it can really begin to weigh on your own personal thought patterns and perceptions of the path your own life is taking. A huge reason why I removed myself from Facebook.

So yeah, I can remind myself a million times a day to live in the moment, to stop comparing, to appreciate what I have now.  The reality though is that it is and will continue to be a constant process and one that I truly do battle with.  I’m not afraid to say that I do live with chemical imbalances and mental illness.  This isn’t a reason to feel ashamed or any less of a person.  It just means I have to work to push myself forward most of the time.

I am working (it’s always going to be a work in progress) to see myself as I am today and stop waiting until I make some huge miraculous break-through.  Here I am in the moment, and I don’t need permission to believe in the power that I have today.

A few projects that I am currently working on:

  • Writing more and as often as possible as it always heals me.  Always has.
  • Breathing deep.  Seriously, it helps.
  • Walking more.  The weather and my neighborhood are gorgeous and I want to enjoy it as often as possible.

 

Thank you for being here,

Jamie

 

 

 

Inner Dynamics

One month in. My meditation practice is lacking and so is my sleep. On the other hand, I have been balancing home and school life quite well. 

I have bursts of passionate drive lately where I wish I was out working with the homeless, volunteering my time in some way, or writing creatively and not only academically. For now though, my push is to continually strive to put as much of my energy as I can into my education. I know that this commitment is going to lead me to great things in my future. 

I am not referring to monetary or material rewards, but making a difference in this world. There is so much to be done and so much to influence. I will never stop sharing my voice and although I am merely a molecule within a sea of other beings, I know that what I have to say matters. 

Here’s to knowing what your passions are having the strength to live them loudly. 

Love and light, 

Jamie 

Between the Streets and the Stars

Woke up.  Meditated.  Discovered so many feelings stuck in the pit of me; working to carry it all to my surface.

All relationships, no matter the type, travel throughout peaks and valleys.  I find that I discover so much more about myself in my current relationship, then I ever did in the dark depths of my past trek throughout singledom.

My actions, words, and reactions slip from love to judgement much too often.  I am working on grounding my emotions and harnessing my fear so that I can exude more light and less darkness.  This doesn’t mean that I am not honoring the bad things that I feel, but that I am striving to balance and understand both extremes.

I am allowed to be me and I cannot pretend to be anything I am not.  Too often, there are things that come out of me that I am not at all proud of.  But I collect those moments, feel them, let them pass, and hope they dissipate slowly so that next time I can choose a softer path.

Point being, I woke up and remembered and cherished the fact that I am deeply and madly in love with my partner.  I am incredibly fucking lucky and I will not forget that.

Sometimes it can be difficult to let go of the engrained idea of constant independency.  But I am learning how to be myself in all new ways and it feels safe and warm.

Appreciate something today. Trust me. It feels incredible.

~Jamie

Growing

A brand new year and so many opportunities floating within the horizon.

A list of my newest ambitious intentions:

  1. Back to Vegan.  Turns out my body has allergies to dairy, eggs, and gluten (yes, I’m now one of thoooose people).  I once followed a vegan diet for approximately 6 years without fail and I felt great!  But this gluten-free AND vegan stuff is rough at first.  It’s been a week and I would like to say I am feeling better already.  Who knows though, it could be all in my head.  Either way, I am now and always will be thrilled to be doing positive things for myself to improve my health and happiness.
  2. Beachbody.  I have several friends that are coaches and, while they have never pressured me to join them, the constant success stories can not be denied.  It works.  Turns out that there is currently a free 30-day trial for the on-demand service.  I joined.  It has been 5 days.  We will see where this leads me.  I will take all the help I can get.
  3. Meditation.  I have really lost my way in terms of my willingness to set aside time for my mental and spiritual needs.  For now, my plan is at least 5 minutes  in the morning and night.  I always forget how much the simple act of slowing down, clearing my mind, letting go, and breathing can soothe my mind and body.
  4. Me time.  I am grateful and proud of my relationship, but sometimes I feel that I am losing myself within it.  I am committed to devoting time to myself and time with friends.  I can grasp way too tightly to my partner sometimes and I need to remember that we both need time away to decompress, bond with others and revive our minds.  We each need our space.  It can be difficult because of the bond I feel and the fact that I tend to be overly affectionate by nature.  But I recognize the need to thrive and grow in my own ways as well as providing that space for others.
  5. Balance.  The mix of personal, professional, and academic pursuits can often feel overwhelming.  I am striving to be more mindful of taking care of myself amidst my chaotic schedule.  I have extremely high expectations regarding my college grades and this tends to cause me to put intense amounts of pressure on myself.  I am working on being able to remember daily that I am doing the best I can and that is all that I can ever do, not to be so hard on myself, and to understand that I things do not  always have to be perfect, so long as they just get done.

I am working on me, constantly.  All I have ever wanted is to continue improving and striving for more progress, more life, more understanding, and more love.

Here’s to another beautiful year.

~Jamie

If the Sun Don’t Shine, I’ll Be Just Fine

The simple thing about dreams is, they don’t always turn out like Cinderella’s night at the Ball.  Life is not a fairytale.  Reality can be cruel.

As it happened, I did not end up being selected for the scholarship of my dreams.  It was disappointing, to say to least.  I had already imagined how life-changing it would be.  I vividly envisioned the future.

I could wallow in it and let it discourage me, but honestly, I am too busy preparing Plan B.  (Good stuff in the works)

If I am being honest, there was a brief moment that I let myself believe that all the hard work I put in at my community college would be in vain.  What a brutal thought that was.

The truth is, up until three years ago, I had no idea what I wanted to do with this gift of life.  My life.  I wasn’t sure what inspired me or where my passion was.  I know now.  Right fucking now.  I know what moves me. I know what pushes me.  I know what is worth fighting for.  I know what I am working towards.  I know what is driving me.

I will not stop pushing and climbing and falling and failing and succeeding until I accomplish my goals, breathe in my aspirations, and swim in my dreams.    And if that means I will also be swimming in pools of student debt, then so be it.

 

 

Big Girls Don’t Cry

Adversity is what fuels me. 

Give me the lowest lows, the heaviest heart, the greatest disappointment, the sharpest betrayal. 

I’ll take all that bullshit, swallow it, get back up off my ass, and push on past it. 

You won’t find me fighting for anything that doesn’t move me forward.  

Life is too short.  I have no time for worrying about what I lost and what I could have had, where I might have been, what I used to want. Old dreams, old news. 

Better things are in the works. And they are happening. Now.  

The power lies in moving on. 

This Time Around

Life is all about timing.

When you least expect it, you’ll find yourself somewhere you never imagined.  Doing things you only dreamed of.

Fear can be real and sometimes justified, but when you decide to let go and give in, that is when life truly begins.

Our stories are changing, every day.  Nothing is ever too far gone or out of our hands.  Hoping and dreaming can move mountains.  Magic can happen.  I believe that.

Nothing can ever darken the light I carry.  I may fall over and over and some days will burn…

But the best is yet to come.  And it will be beautiful.  Whatever “it” is meant to be.

Fluffiness Fondness

It’s okay to be whatever the fuck you want to be.  Without makeup, without covering up or being ashamed, without being cruel to yourself for not being perfect.  It is okay to look in the mirror and be happy.  I finally feel that.

It turns out, life is full of so much good.

There is so much potential waiting out there.

Even if you are a “plus size” women living in an overly critical world.

Even if you happen to have thick thighs, a pudgy tummy, a little jiggle in your step, a slight double-chin.

So many imperfections and million reasons to love me just the way I am.

I feel so comfortable being me lately.  I have accepted all the flaws.  Although I am always striving to better myself in countless ways, I will not forget to honor the sanctity of my current self.  This warrior woman made of fire.  Full of the wildest, unrestrained, unconfined passion.

Something wonderful happens when you have the strength to accept yourself and love every blemish.

The world replies, loving you back.

You attract whatever you give.  Simple, and absolutely true.

I’ve grown.  I’ve learned.  I am perfectly imperfect.

Always.