Today I glanced upon my very out-of-date blogging avatar. When looking at pictures from my past, I often feel surprised at just how much I have changed, as well as how much I should have loved myself in the moment. The truth is, I am often waiting for something big (or small) in order to feel good enough. Waiting for the next paycheck so I don’t feel worthless and broke. Waiting to be smaller so I can fit into old clothes and not hate myself when I look in the mirror. Waiting to graduate so that I can finally have some stability and success. Waiting for my next visit home so that I can see my family again and re-fill the parts of me that are hollow. Educating myself about my infertility and waiting to get pregnant so that I don’t feel the empty and devastating feeling that I will never know what it feels like to be a mother and as society would say, “never experience real love”.
I am aware that so many of these thoughts are bullshit, but when you are immersed in expectations, images, others lives, and comparisons 24/7, it can really begin to weigh on your own personal thought patterns and perceptions of the path your own life is taking. A huge reason why I removed myself from Facebook.
So yeah, I can remind myself a million times a day to live in the moment, to stop comparing, to appreciate what I have now. The reality though is that it is and will continue to be a constant process and one that I truly do battle with. I’m not afraid to say that I do live with chemical imbalances and mental illness. This isn’t a reason to feel ashamed or any less of a person. It just means I have to work to push myself forward most of the time.
I am working (it’s always going to be a work in progress) to see myself as I am today and stop waiting until I make some huge miraculous break-through. Here I am in the moment, and I don’t need permission to believe in the power that I have today.
A few projects that I am currently working on:
- Writing more and as often as possible as it always heals me. Always has.
- Breathing deep. Seriously, it helps.
- Walking more. The weather and my neighborhood are gorgeous and I want to enjoy it as often as possible.
Thank you for being here,