Finding Me

The last few months are a blur.  By that, I mean this school semester that just came to a close.  I have had the last 2 days to relax, decompress, and honestly act ridiculously lazy (actually a difficult task for me).  Within this slowing down, I have discovered some very hurtful and dark feelings.  I knew they were still there, I have just become very skilled at pushing them away when I need to.

I made the choice to prioritize my education the day I decided to go back to school.  I feel it is more of a sacrifice when you are in your thirties, already have a life full of responsibilities, and then add in a full school schedule.  Still, this is a sacrifice I chose to make.  Perhaps I never thought I would take it this far.  But, the more I learn and the more I strive, the more successful I imagine my future.  I’ve always wanted things I couldn’t have and often times than not, those things (traveling, buying presents for my friends and family on special occasions, being healthy, taking vacations, affording basic necessities…) have been hindered by lack of financial support.  I don’t want to forever deprive myself of certain pleasures and experiences like I always have.  Point being, I am endlessly working hard in order to accomplish my goals.  I never let myself forget that.

But along the way, I have lost myself.  I have lost my spark; my silly, happy, witty, joking, fun, lively, joyous self.  I miss that girl.  I long to have her back.

It will be 3 whole months before I return to school.  One more year until I complete my degree.  I know that I cannot wait until then to start practicing some self-care.  It feels urgent that I start taking care of myself again.  I need to laugh, breathe, sing, dance, yoga, exercise, cook, write, explore, and live.  I want to shine again.  I need to.

 

I don’t know if anyone even reads these words I write.  But if anyone happens to see this and knows what it is like to fall down a dark endless path and feel like you can barely breathe because it hurts that horribly, please hear this:

You are going to be okay and so will I.  Don’t forget about your shine.

Jamie

Not Enough Hours in the Day

Listen up.  If someone in your life is a college student, I want you to know that they are carrying a great deal of weight.  It is rigorous, exhausting, extremely intense, and sometimes it feels like being trapped in the middle of a long, pitch dark tunnel – feeling as if you may never re-emerge amidst the light again.

It’s tough.  It is especially challenging when you are attending college as an unconventional, non-tradition student.

Sometimes, no matter how much support you know you have, this journey can feel soul-crushing.

What I am saying is this.  I have found that breaking point where I am giving all I possibly can and it still doesn’t feel good enough.  But, guess what?  It most certainly is.

I am human.  I have a pain threshold and I have reached it.

We can only do so much and no matter high how our self expectations may be, it is important to remember that we will never be perfect.  In the wise words of Miguel Ruiz:

“Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.”

I have been doing the best I can and although it sometimes feels like not enough, I have chosen to accept my limits.  I am prepared to let the failures intertwine with my success.

We all have our pressures in life.  That is undeniable.  But we all need a shoulder sometimes.  Please let someone vent to you today.  Or simply call and ask how they are doing.  That alone, may be the greatest form of relief that person receives in a sea full of chaos.

Love and Light,

 

Jamie

Inner Dynamics

One month in. My meditation practice is lacking and so is my sleep. On the other hand, I have been balancing home and school life quite well. 

I have bursts of passionate drive lately where I wish I was out working with the homeless, volunteering my time in some way, or writing creatively and not only academically. For now though, my push is to continually strive to put as much of my energy as I can into my education. I know that this commitment is going to lead me to great things in my future. 

I am not referring to monetary or material rewards, but making a difference in this world. There is so much to be done and so much to influence. I will never stop sharing my voice and although I am merely a molecule within a sea of other beings, I know that what I have to say matters. 

Here’s to knowing what your passions are having the strength to live them loudly. 

Love and light, 

Jamie 

Growing

A brand new year and so many opportunities floating within the horizon.

A list of my newest ambitious intentions:

  1. Back to Vegan.  Turns out my body has allergies to dairy, eggs, and gluten (yes, I’m now one of thoooose people).  I once followed a vegan diet for approximately 6 years without fail and I felt great!  But this gluten-free AND vegan stuff is rough at first.  It’s been a week and I would like to say I am feeling better already.  Who knows though, it could be all in my head.  Either way, I am now and always will be thrilled to be doing positive things for myself to improve my health and happiness.
  2. Beachbody.  I have several friends that are coaches and, while they have never pressured me to join them, the constant success stories can not be denied.  It works.  Turns out that there is currently a free 30-day trial for the on-demand service.  I joined.  It has been 5 days.  We will see where this leads me.  I will take all the help I can get.
  3. Meditation.  I have really lost my way in terms of my willingness to set aside time for my mental and spiritual needs.  For now, my plan is at least 5 minutes  in the morning and night.  I always forget how much the simple act of slowing down, clearing my mind, letting go, and breathing can soothe my mind and body.
  4. Me time.  I am grateful and proud of my relationship, but sometimes I feel that I am losing myself within it.  I am committed to devoting time to myself and time with friends.  I can grasp way too tightly to my partner sometimes and I need to remember that we both need time away to decompress, bond with others and revive our minds.  We each need our space.  It can be difficult because of the bond I feel and the fact that I tend to be overly affectionate by nature.  But I recognize the need to thrive and grow in my own ways as well as providing that space for others.
  5. Balance.  The mix of personal, professional, and academic pursuits can often feel overwhelming.  I am striving to be more mindful of taking care of myself amidst my chaotic schedule.  I have extremely high expectations regarding my college grades and this tends to cause me to put intense amounts of pressure on myself.  I am working on being able to remember daily that I am doing the best I can and that is all that I can ever do, not to be so hard on myself, and to understand that I things do not  always have to be perfect, so long as they just get done.

I am working on me, constantly.  All I have ever wanted is to continue improving and striving for more progress, more life, more understanding, and more love.

Here’s to another beautiful year.

~Jamie

If the Sun Don’t Shine, I’ll Be Just Fine

The simple thing about dreams is, they don’t always turn out like Cinderella’s night at the Ball.  Life is not a fairytale.  Reality can be cruel.

As it happened, I did not end up being selected for the scholarship of my dreams.  It was disappointing, to say to least.  I had already imagined how life-changing it would be.  I vividly envisioned the future.

I could wallow in it and let it discourage me, but honestly, I am too busy preparing Plan B.  (Good stuff in the works)

If I am being honest, there was a brief moment that I let myself believe that all the hard work I put in at my community college would be in vain.  What a brutal thought that was.

The truth is, up until three years ago, I had no idea what I wanted to do with this gift of life.  My life.  I wasn’t sure what inspired me or where my passion was.  I know now.  Right fucking now.  I know what moves me. I know what pushes me.  I know what is worth fighting for.  I know what I am working towards.  I know what is driving me.

I will not stop pushing and climbing and falling and failing and succeeding until I accomplish my goals, breathe in my aspirations, and swim in my dreams.    And if that means I will also be swimming in pools of student debt, then so be it.

 

 

Big Girls Don’t Cry

Adversity is what fuels me. 

Give me the lowest lows, the heaviest heart, the greatest disappointment, the sharpest betrayal. 

I’ll take all that bullshit, swallow it, get back up off my ass, and push on past it. 

You won’t find me fighting for anything that doesn’t move me forward.  

Life is too short.  I have no time for worrying about what I lost and what I could have had, where I might have been, what I used to want. Old dreams, old news. 

Better things are in the works. And they are happening. Now.  

The power lies in moving on. 

Number One

Today I got the news.  I was accepted to my first ‘big girl’ college.  The University I have been dreaming of, planning on, and working so hard towards for the last two years of my life.  Portland State.

So many decisions to make.  So many things to plan.

And so my future awaits.  I am proud, excited and completely terrified.

This vision still afloat

now in

the hands of

all the planets’ pulling

The unsettling of

the heart pushes

now, against

the palette of my path

until I reach that

fork that stands out

So very well

acquainted

we are

even in the dark

But the light is coming soon

No coins will

be tossed

Which way the wind

blows is

no matter to me

I see

Not right, nor left

not seen, only felt

Forward.