Life takes us on all sorts of journeys throughout endless paths. Sometimes these happenings makes sense and most of the time it feels quite sporadically undetermined.
I’ve been in the throws of demanding college life and trying so hard to hold onto my inner light amidst the roller-coaster of daily emotions that I feel so deeply. While I am honored and excited to be immersed in such an enriching and essential education, I miss the feeling of freedom. Still striving to find a better and healthier balance between my demanding responsibility as an academic and the carefree soul that I used to be.
The tides pull me in and out, up and down; my breaths sometimes struggle to keep up. But I am hopeful, as always.
Love and light,
PS. If you believe in any sort of higher power, force, or existence PLEASE send some positive energy out into the atmosphere regarding my next Bio Exam this coming Wednesday. Biology is really doing a number on me this semester and I need all the positivity that I can get. (Sometimes I feel that studying forever only gets me so far…)
It has been some time since I’ve really listened to myself: ages since I have actively taken the time to write out all the thoughts that travel tirelessly throughout my information station.
There was a time that I understood: myself. Contrasted with those countless blocks of rediscovery and falling down, consistently.
It is time to be on the up again. To surrender to the inevitable existence of personal spirals within. No hope-filled balloons are lifting me up. No one is coming to save me. This is it.
Love me. Hate me. Leave me. Or stay.
I swear I will swim rampantly until the tide pulls me all the way down.
How is it that being attached to someone on such a deep level can leave you feeling hollow?
Searching for ways to heal myself from the inside out.
Bare tree tops
Knees covered in socks
Autumnal filled rain
Crisp and bright
Sipping on steeped leaves
Layered blanket swimming
Air of change
Smoky wiffs of burnt wood
The long grey haul
So there’s that song, by No Doubt. “Simple Kind of Life.”
That’s what I want.
I want to use my talents to create things,
work hard to provide for myself,
continuously learn new things,
cook delicious food to share with the people I care about,
travel to foreign places,
explore the unknown,
earn enough money so that I can visit my family when I want to,
be able to support myself without constantly worrying about bills.
I want to write. I want to dance. I want to draw.
I want to laugh. I want to have fun. I want to share myself with others.
I want to love.
I have so much to give that sometimes it overwhelms me. It consumes.
I don’t want to think. I will not wish for the things I cannot have. Those things do not belong to me.
I do not care to win. I will not force anything. I will let it happen, whatever it may be.
I am simply here to radiate myself and my gifts. That is all I am meant for.
That is all I have ever been. I finally understand.
Day 3 was not nearly as painful because my splitting headache almost fully disappeared. I drank more of the lemonade mixture than the previous days to boost my energy level, still I was crashing in both my classes. The most difficult thing so far has been to stay motivated on schoolwork and studying. Thankfully, this summer semester isn’t too demanding.
The most challenging part of the day was when my roommate was cooking dinner and the smell was drifting into my room. It was some meat-based dish that I’m sure I wouldn’t have wanted to eat, but it sure smelt good to me in the moment.
I decided to put on some Netflix and go to sleep early. I really have to isolate myself because, let’s face it, the world is ruled by food. It’s everywhere you look! Plus, I follow so many food-based pages on IG and FB that’s it’s basically torture to be on social media at the moment. It’s best if I just sleep. At least I am getting more rest.
These past two months. Whoa. Seriously.
Life is such a ride. Sometimes I bounce back slowly. Sometimes I feel like I can fly.
Transitioning to the new and unknown is mostly second nature to me at this point.
Today I woke up with this uncontrollable anxiousness to move on to the next chapter.
And I will.
I find that I rarely have patience these days. But it’s because all I feel is passion and drive. Ambition. Knowingness towards the dream.
I know exactly what I want. Is there anything more wonderful than to know where you are headed? What you want to accomplish, who you want to be around when you finally get there?
I have this burning desire to pack up all my things now. I can barely hold in all the excitement.
How will all this work? I do not know.
My only goal is to survive in this crazy city for seven more months so that I can move on to bigger, better, brighter things.
I am so ready.
I thought I could isolate myself from the world, in a city exploding with people.
I imagined I could escape the bitterness and hold on to the true sincerity of who I used to be.
I dreamt I could do it all alone and never ask for help.
I envisioned the fairytale and glorified the fantasy.
I thought happiness was just something I was never working hard enough for.
I believed my brain worked differently and that was okay.
I wanted a piece of mind that I would never find.
I have thought over the past much too often.
I have been too nice, too mean, too harsh and too slow to pick up the lessons that have fallen in my lap.
I pick the wrong people at the wrong times.
I let the thoughts sit for much too long.
I thought I could go it alone.
I was wrong.
It was the dawn of the end of time. Really though, it was just the beginning.
I was as lost as I had ever been. Whirlwinds blowing through my mind.
The days were cruel. The nights stabbed at me.
They aren’t all laughing at you, so why does it feel that way. They believe in you. That is supposed to make it easier, isn’t it.
This new me is merely a shell, a place to absorb information and hope that it will stay. A slave to my education. A prisoner in my own city.
Freedom is having a choice, and I know that I do. But if I choose not to suffer this temporary pain and jeopardize my future, what else is there.
I finally found my purpose, but in the same breathe I know that it is all I have left.
Will this purpose fix the holes that radiate day to night? When will I be good enough.
Soldiers enter combat knowing they may not survive.
Maybe I will lose and maybe I will win.
Still, I am prepared to fight.
I woke up early and stood on my rooftop in the stillness. Something you don’t get much of in this city.
I watched the sun rise amidst the snow covered horizon; the city covered in white again.
As cold and grey as it is, it comforts, almost soothes.
I thought about how most of the time our priorities are in such distortion.
What we will have and what we will be, ruling our minds, all the days.
Racing the clock and running towards the things we think we want.
We have ourselves. Our bodies. Our minds.
The most incredible machines that will ever be.
Can we ever appreciate our greatest gift?
Life. Possibilities. Endless. Hope. Free will.