Queen of the Fighters

Today I glanced upon my very out-of-date blogging avatar.  When looking at pictures from my past, I often feel surprised at just how much I have changed, as well as how much I should have loved myself in the moment.  The truth is, I am often waiting for something big (or small) in order to feel good enough.  Waiting for the next paycheck so I don’t feel worthless and broke.  Waiting to be smaller so I can fit into old clothes and not hate myself when I look in the mirror.  Waiting to graduate so that I can finally have some stability and success.  Waiting for my next visit home so that I can see my family again and re-fill the parts of me that are hollow.  Educating myself about my infertility and waiting to get pregnant so that I don’t feel the empty and devastating feeling that I will never know what it feels like to be a mother and as society would say, “never experience real love”.

I am aware that so many of these thoughts are bullshit, but when you are immersed in expectations, images, others lives, and comparisons 24/7, it can really begin to weigh on your own personal thought patterns and perceptions of the path your own life is taking. A huge reason why I removed myself from Facebook.

So yeah, I can remind myself a million times a day to live in the moment, to stop comparing, to appreciate what I have now.  The reality though is that it is and will continue to be a constant process and one that I truly do battle with.  I’m not afraid to say that I do live with chemical imbalances and mental illness.  This isn’t a reason to feel ashamed or any less of a person.  It just means I have to work to push myself forward most of the time.

I am working (it’s always going to be a work in progress) to see myself as I am today and stop waiting until I make some huge miraculous break-through.  Here I am in the moment, and I don’t need permission to believe in the power that I have today.

A few projects that I am currently working on:

  • Writing more and as often as possible as it always heals me.  Always has.
  • Breathing deep.  Seriously, it helps.
  • Walking more.  The weather and my neighborhood are gorgeous and I want to enjoy it as often as possible.

 

Thank you for being here,

Jamie

 

 

 

Advertisements

Finding Me

The last few months are a blur.  By that, I mean this school semester that just came to a close.  I have had the last 2 days to relax, decompress, and honestly act ridiculously lazy (actually a difficult task for me).  Within this slowing down, I have discovered some very hurtful and dark feelings.  I knew they were still there, I have just become very skilled at pushing them away when I need to.

I made the choice to prioritize my education the day I decided to go back to school.  I feel it is more of a sacrifice when you are in your thirties, already have a life full of responsibilities, and then add in a full school schedule.  Still, this is a sacrifice I chose to make.  Perhaps I never thought I would take it this far.  But, the more I learn and the more I strive, the more successful I imagine my future.  I’ve always wanted things I couldn’t have and often times than not, those things (traveling, buying presents for my friends and family on special occasions, being healthy, taking vacations, affording basic necessities…) have been hindered by lack of financial support.  I don’t want to forever deprive myself of certain pleasures and experiences like I always have.  Point being, I am endlessly working hard in order to accomplish my goals.  I never let myself forget that.

But along the way, I have lost myself.  I have lost my spark; my silly, happy, witty, joking, fun, lively, joyous self.  I miss that girl.  I long to have her back.

It will be 3 whole months before I return to school.  One more year until I complete my degree.  I know that I cannot wait until then to start practicing some self-care.  It feels urgent that I start taking care of myself again.  I need to laugh, breathe, sing, dance, yoga, exercise, cook, write, explore, and live.  I want to shine again.  I need to.

 

I don’t know if anyone even reads these words I write.  But if anyone happens to see this and knows what it is like to fall down a dark endless path and feel like you can barely breathe because it hurts that horribly, please hear this:

You are going to be okay and so will I.  Don’t forget about your shine.

Jamie

Not Enough Hours in the Day

Listen up.  If someone in your life is a college student, I want you to know that they are carrying a great deal of weight.  It is rigorous, exhausting, extremely intense, and sometimes it feels like being trapped in the middle of a long, pitch dark tunnel – feeling as if you may never re-emerge amidst the light again.

It’s tough.  It is especially challenging when you are attending college as an unconventional, non-tradition student.

Sometimes, no matter how much support you know you have, this journey can feel soul-crushing.

What I am saying is this.  I have found that breaking point where I am giving all I possibly can and it still doesn’t feel good enough.  But, guess what?  It most certainly is.

I am human.  I have a pain threshold and I have reached it.

We can only do so much and no matter high how our self expectations may be, it is important to remember that we will never be perfect.  In the wise words of Miguel Ruiz:

“Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.”

I have been doing the best I can and although it sometimes feels like not enough, I have chosen to accept my limits.  I am prepared to let the failures intertwine with my success.

We all have our pressures in life.  That is undeniable.  But we all need a shoulder sometimes.  Please let someone vent to you today.  Or simply call and ask how they are doing.  That alone, may be the greatest form of relief that person receives in a sea full of chaos.

Love and Light,

 

Jamie

Inner Dynamics

One month in. My meditation practice is lacking and so is my sleep. On the other hand, I have been balancing home and school life quite well. 

I have bursts of passionate drive lately where I wish I was out working with the homeless, volunteering my time in some way, or writing creatively and not only academically. For now though, my push is to continually strive to put as much of my energy as I can into my education. I know that this commitment is going to lead me to great things in my future. 

I am not referring to monetary or material rewards, but making a difference in this world. There is so much to be done and so much to influence. I will never stop sharing my voice and although I am merely a molecule within a sea of other beings, I know that what I have to say matters. 

Here’s to knowing what your passions are having the strength to live them loudly. 

Love and light, 

Jamie 

Between the Streets and the Stars

Woke up.  Meditated.  Discovered so many feelings stuck in the pit of me; working to carry it all to my surface.

All relationships, no matter the type, travel throughout peaks and valleys.  I find that I discover so much more about myself in my current relationship, then I ever did in the dark depths of my past trek throughout singledom.

My actions, words, and reactions slip from love to judgement much too often.  I am working on grounding my emotions and harnessing my fear so that I can exude more light and less darkness.  This doesn’t mean that I am not honoring the bad things that I feel, but that I am striving to balance and understand both extremes.

I am allowed to be me and I cannot pretend to be anything I am not.  Too often, there are things that come out of me that I am not at all proud of.  But I collect those moments, feel them, let them pass, and hope they dissipate slowly so that next time I can choose a softer path.

Point being, I woke up and remembered and cherished the fact that I am deeply and madly in love with my partner.  I am incredibly fucking lucky and I will not forget that.

Sometimes it can be difficult to let go of the engrained idea of constant independency.  But I am learning how to be myself in all new ways and it feels safe and warm.

Appreciate something today. Trust me. It feels incredible.

~Jamie

Growing

A brand new year and so many opportunities floating within the horizon.

A list of my newest ambitious intentions:

  1. Back to Vegan.  Turns out my body has allergies to dairy, eggs, and gluten (yes, I’m now one of thoooose people).  I once followed a vegan diet for approximately 6 years without fail and I felt great!  But this gluten-free AND vegan stuff is rough at first.  It’s been a week and I would like to say I am feeling better already.  Who knows though, it could be all in my head.  Either way, I am now and always will be thrilled to be doing positive things for myself to improve my health and happiness.
  2. Beachbody.  I have several friends that are coaches and, while they have never pressured me to join them, the constant success stories can not be denied.  It works.  Turns out that there is currently a free 30-day trial for the on-demand service.  I joined.  It has been 5 days.  We will see where this leads me.  I will take all the help I can get.
  3. Meditation.  I have really lost my way in terms of my willingness to set aside time for my mental and spiritual needs.  For now, my plan is at least 5 minutes  in the morning and night.  I always forget how much the simple act of slowing down, clearing my mind, letting go, and breathing can soothe my mind and body.
  4. Me time.  I am grateful and proud of my relationship, but sometimes I feel that I am losing myself within it.  I am committed to devoting time to myself and time with friends.  I can grasp way too tightly to my partner sometimes and I need to remember that we both need time away to decompress, bond with others and revive our minds.  We each need our space.  It can be difficult because of the bond I feel and the fact that I tend to be overly affectionate by nature.  But I recognize the need to thrive and grow in my own ways as well as providing that space for others.
  5. Balance.  The mix of personal, professional, and academic pursuits can often feel overwhelming.  I am striving to be more mindful of taking care of myself amidst my chaotic schedule.  I have extremely high expectations regarding my college grades and this tends to cause me to put intense amounts of pressure on myself.  I am working on being able to remember daily that I am doing the best I can and that is all that I can ever do, not to be so hard on myself, and to understand that I things do not  always have to be perfect, so long as they just get done.

I am working on me, constantly.  All I have ever wanted is to continue improving and striving for more progress, more life, more understanding, and more love.

Here’s to another beautiful year.

~Jamie

Fluffiness Fondness

It’s okay to be whatever the fuck you want to be.  Without makeup, without covering up or being ashamed, without being cruel to yourself for not being perfect.  It is okay to look in the mirror and be happy.  I finally feel that.

It turns out, life is full of so much good.

There is so much potential waiting out there.

Even if you are a “plus size” women living in an overly critical world.

Even if you happen to have thick thighs, a pudgy tummy, a little jiggle in your step, a slight double-chin.

So many imperfections and million reasons to love me just the way I am.

I feel so comfortable being me lately.  I have accepted all the flaws.  Although I am always striving to better myself in countless ways, I will not forget to honor the sanctity of my current self.  This warrior woman made of fire.  Full of the wildest, unrestrained, unconfined passion.

Something wonderful happens when you have the strength to accept yourself and love every blemish.

The world replies, loving you back.

You attract whatever you give.  Simple, and absolutely true.

I’ve grown.  I’ve learned.  I am perfectly imperfect.

Always.

Tabula 15

So I’ve made it this far and I feel quite fantastic. Slimmer and, most importantly, healthier.

It has been a challenging 2 weeks so far, but completely worth it.

My original goal was twenty days.  I am shortening that just a bit.  Not because I don’t think I could make it that far, or beyond.  Mostly because of my future weekend plans.  I have a nice evening planned on Friday and I want to be able to eat dinner, not just sit at the table while the other person eats.

I’ve been doing some research in order to prepare myself for real food again.  As much as I would love to strive to adopt a fully Vegan lifestyle again, it’s not entirely realistic.  So I will be returning to a vegetarian diet, with more of an emphasis on raw foods.  Also, no more cheese.  As much as it pains me to admit it, I cannot consume dairy products.  They do horrible things to my body.

Coffee, on the other hand, I haven’t decided.  I am worried that it was causing some of my health problems.  So I will reintroduce it slowly and see what happens.

I am excited to resume normalcy in a few days.  Well, almost.  I’ve never really been “normal”.

***************************

Update from the scale:

27 pounds lost 🙂

Tabula 9&10

I am running a bit behind on these updates. School has been occupying most of my time. I guess it has been kind of nice not having to spend time on grocery shopping and thinking about what I am going to eat for 3 meals a day. I do, however, very much miss cooking. It’s one of my passions. That being said, here is a brief recap of the last couple days. 

Day 9- no big changes. Felt good. Not as tired as the day before. Not hungry or tempted by foods. 

Day 10- I spent the morning in Central Park and I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t wish I was sipping on some coffee while lounging on that park bench. 

After the park, I met my art class at the Met. It was a great day. I love visiting the museums. It’s so fascinating and teaches us so much about our history. 

I could smell everything so strongly. I was almost as if I was eating things through my nose. Haha. Hard to explain, really. 

Staying focused on my goal of 20 days, but listening to my body. Most importantly, I want to make sure I keep going until I completely detox and all the bad stuff is cleared out of my system. 

Down 24 pounds 🙂