Royal Plans

Recently I have been reading, researching, and studying Buddhism.  I still have infinite lessons to learn.  Not only with this newfound interest; in endless areas of my life as well as existence in general.

Letting go seems to be my most prevalent fault.  It has always been a challenge for me, but at this point in my life I am realizing how much it has held me back, hindered my growth, and contributed to much pain in my past.  Even now, I know that I am still holding on to things I should have demolished by now.

My battle is with the deep amounts of love that I feel.  The attachment.  I struggle with finding the courage to release something/someone that has been a part of me for so very long.  And although I know there is nothing left to hold onto, the thought of letting go is equivalent to agreeing to never think of any of it again.  To surrender.  It feels as if I choose to say goodbye to that enormous part of my past that what I am really saying is that it never existed.  If I let go, did it ever really happen?  Does it disappear?  It continues to hurt me every day.

I still don’t have an answer, but I am always trying.  To understand me.  To understand love, pain, and letting go.  To understand the depths of my emotions and how to feel them, share them, and use them to move through moments instead of getting stuck within them.

 

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Mind Memorandum

If you believe in any sort of higher power, spirituality, force of life, or predetermined destiny-lined path; hear this.  Everything will change.  Constants sway, shift, rock, fall, climb, and soar across our endless uncharted skies.

Change is undeniably, entirely, and unbelievably necessary; refreshing and healing.  Flow with it, feel it, expect it, embrace it and live for it.  Learn from it.  Everyday.

{to be continued}

Growing

A brand new year and so many opportunities floating within the horizon.

A list of my newest ambitious intentions:

  1. Back to Vegan.  Turns out my body has allergies to dairy, eggs, and gluten (yes, I’m now one of thoooose people).  I once followed a vegan diet for approximately 6 years without fail and I felt great!  But this gluten-free AND vegan stuff is rough at first.  It’s been a week and I would like to say I am feeling better already.  Who knows though, it could be all in my head.  Either way, I am now and always will be thrilled to be doing positive things for myself to improve my health and happiness.
  2. Beachbody.  I have several friends that are coaches and, while they have never pressured me to join them, the constant success stories can not be denied.  It works.  Turns out that there is currently a free 30-day trial for the on-demand service.  I joined.  It has been 5 days.  We will see where this leads me.  I will take all the help I can get.
  3. Meditation.  I have really lost my way in terms of my willingness to set aside time for my mental and spiritual needs.  For now, my plan is at least 5 minutes  in the morning and night.  I always forget how much the simple act of slowing down, clearing my mind, letting go, and breathing can soothe my mind and body.
  4. Me time.  I am grateful and proud of my relationship, but sometimes I feel that I am losing myself within it.  I am committed to devoting time to myself and time with friends.  I can grasp way too tightly to my partner sometimes and I need to remember that we both need time away to decompress, bond with others and revive our minds.  We each need our space.  It can be difficult because of the bond I feel and the fact that I tend to be overly affectionate by nature.  But I recognize the need to thrive and grow in my own ways as well as providing that space for others.
  5. Balance.  The mix of personal, professional, and academic pursuits can often feel overwhelming.  I am striving to be more mindful of taking care of myself amidst my chaotic schedule.  I have extremely high expectations regarding my college grades and this tends to cause me to put intense amounts of pressure on myself.  I am working on being able to remember daily that I am doing the best I can and that is all that I can ever do, not to be so hard on myself, and to understand that I things do not  always have to be perfect, so long as they just get done.

I am working on me, constantly.  All I have ever wanted is to continue improving and striving for more progress, more life, more understanding, and more love.

Here’s to another beautiful year.

~Jamie

Fluffiness Fondness

It’s okay to be whatever the fuck you want to be.  Without makeup, without covering up or being ashamed, without being cruel to yourself for not being perfect.  It is okay to look in the mirror and be happy.  I finally feel that.

It turns out, life is full of so much good.

There is so much potential waiting out there.

Even if you are a “plus size” women living in an overly critical world.

Even if you happen to have thick thighs, a pudgy tummy, a little jiggle in your step, a slight double-chin.

So many imperfections and million reasons to love me just the way I am.

I feel so comfortable being me lately.  I have accepted all the flaws.  Although I am always striving to better myself in countless ways, I will not forget to honor the sanctity of my current self.  This warrior woman made of fire.  Full of the wildest, unrestrained, unconfined passion.

Something wonderful happens when you have the strength to accept yourself and love every blemish.

The world replies, loving you back.

You attract whatever you give.  Simple, and absolutely true.

I’ve grown.  I’ve learned.  I am perfectly imperfect.

Always.

Saturday Morning Bliss

It’s a freezing, extremely windy morning in NYC.  I would like to report that those factors did not stop me from walking my booty to the laundromat to wash my toppling pile of dirty clothes, but alas, it did.  Usually I multi-task laundry and the gym because they are located just a block apart, but no laundry equalled no gym.  I did, however, wake up before the birds at 6am, meditated, roasted an acorn squash with coconut oil cinnamon and brown sugar (the best winter snack!), and completed my Chemistry homework.  Not bad for a Saturday morning.

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With my busy schedule, Saturday mornings are typically the only day of the week that I don’t have to wake up crazy early and rush to the train.  I love to lounge and create some sort of amazing breakfast on these days.  Schoolwork is more exciting with a delicious meal involved.

The first paper for my Human Nutrition project is due at the beginning of March.  I actually LOVE research, it is fascinating to me.  We were given many topics to choose from.  I’m debating between:

  • Are soy products good or bad for your health?
  • What are the benefits and risks of a Vegan diet?
  • Is high-fructose corn syrup worse than other sugars?
  • Are organic foods really healthier than those that are conventionally grown?

 I’ve already researched some of these topics over the last 6 years, after I first decided to adapt to a Vegan diet (I am not currently Vegan).  Not sure what I will decide on, but I am super excited to be researching and writing about things that I am passionate about!  Nutrition nerd 🙂

Early Riser

Had a mellow night and purposefully went to bed early last night so I could wake up early and refreshed.  So that’s what I did, but I had so much stomach pain when my 4am alarm went off.

There is so much anxiety inside me lately and I have yet to figure out why.  I wake up early specifically to meditate, because I know that is necessary in my everyday life.  Even during meditation, I can feel my heart racing.  Even during deep breathing and in the silence and the stillness.  I felt a little bit better after I was done, had some breakfast and hot tea.

My theory is that my almost hour and half morning commute to school is at the root of my anxiety.  Small spaces packed with people who can honestly be very cruel at times.  When I was transferring at Union Square this morning, some guy pushed me on the stairs and I almost fell backwards.  There are parts of me that despise this city that I once loved so much.  But I refuse to let the bad parts win.

I know that with anxiety and stress, it is important to change or eliminate the causes; either your routine, the environments that surround you or any people who make you feel uncomfortable.  I can only change so many things.

I live in an apartment building with so much noise, which can be at all times of the day and night.  The neighbor I share a wall with blasts music so loud that the bass shakes my room.  I have tried pleasantly talking to them, especially when it has happened at 3am, but they continue to do it.  I feel like there is nothing I can do to change it and that alone makes me feel anxious.  My room is supposed to be this safe space where I can relax, do schoolwork and sleep at normal sleeping times.  My neighbors make it nearly impossible.  I know that I should move, but I am only in NYC for one more year and just resigned my lease.

So I escape to coffee shops, my campus, the gym, and any other place in the city where I can get some peace.  I guess if I carry that peace with me, I can get through anything.

Lately I am getting to know myself all over again and that is both challenging and healing.  More than ever, I understand why I am such a dreamer.  I long for better situations, better surroundings, a better environment: a simpler life.  That is what I am working towards.