Royal Plans

Recently I have been reading, researching, and studying Buddhism.  I still have infinite lessons to learn.  Not only with this newfound interest; in endless areas of my life as well as existence in general.

Letting go seems to be my most prevalent fault.  It has always been a challenge for me, but at this point in my life I am realizing how much it has held me back, hindered my growth, and contributed to much pain in my past.  Even now, I know that I am still holding on to things I should have demolished by now.

My battle is with the deep amounts of love that I feel.  The attachment.  I struggle with finding the courage to release something/someone that has been a part of me for so very long.  And although I know there is nothing left to hold onto, the thought of letting go is equivalent to agreeing to never think of any of it again.  To surrender.  It feels as if I choose to say goodbye to that enormous part of my past that what I am really saying is that it never existed.  If I let go, did it ever really happen?  Does it disappear?  It continues to hurt me every day.

I still don’t have an answer, but I am always trying.  To understand me.  To understand love, pain, and letting go.  To understand the depths of my emotions and how to feel them, share them, and use them to move through moments instead of getting stuck within them.

 

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Mind Memorandum

If you believe in any sort of higher power, spirituality, force of life, or predetermined destiny-lined path; hear this.  Everything will change.  Constants sway, shift, rock, fall, climb, and soar across our endless uncharted skies.

Change is undeniably, entirely, and unbelievably necessary; refreshing and healing.  Flow with it, feel it, expect it, embrace it and live for it.  Learn from it.  Everyday.

{to be continued}

Queen of the Fighters

Today I glanced upon my very out-of-date blogging avatar.  When looking at pictures from my past, I often feel surprised at just how much I have changed, as well as how much I should have loved myself in the moment.  The truth is, I am often waiting for something big (or small) in order to feel good enough.  Waiting for the next paycheck so I don’t feel worthless and broke.  Waiting to be smaller so I can fit into old clothes and not hate myself when I look in the mirror.  Waiting to graduate so that I can finally have some stability and success.  Waiting for my next visit home so that I can see my family again and re-fill the parts of me that are hollow.  Educating myself about my infertility and waiting to get pregnant so that I don’t feel the empty and devastating feeling that I will never know what it feels like to be a mother and as society would say, “never experience real love”.

I am aware that so many of these thoughts are bullshit, but when you are immersed in expectations, images, others lives, and comparisons 24/7, it can really begin to weigh on your own personal thought patterns and perceptions of the path your own life is taking. A huge reason why I removed myself from Facebook.

So yeah, I can remind myself a million times a day to live in the moment, to stop comparing, to appreciate what I have now.  The reality though is that it is and will continue to be a constant process and one that I truly do battle with.  I’m not afraid to say that I do live with chemical imbalances and mental illness.  This isn’t a reason to feel ashamed or any less of a person.  It just means I have to work to push myself forward most of the time.

I am working (it’s always going to be a work in progress) to see myself as I am today and stop waiting until I make some huge miraculous break-through.  Here I am in the moment, and I don’t need permission to believe in the power that I have today.

A few projects that I am currently working on:

  • Writing more and as often as possible as it always heals me.  Always has.
  • Breathing deep.  Seriously, it helps.
  • Walking more.  The weather and my neighborhood are gorgeous and I want to enjoy it as often as possible.

 

Thank you for being here,

Jamie