I’m giving up sugar again.
For awhile at least. I’ve done this several times before and felt amazing. I’m still going to have some carbs that metabolize as sugar: whole grains, fruits in moderation.
The body needs carbs. It’s brain fuel. Keep your brain happy!
So from now until April, goodbye sugar.
“I remind myself every morning: Nothing I say this day will teach me anything. So if I’m going to learn, I must do it by listening.”
I got in front of class today and told a story. Most importantly, I listened to others tell their stories and felt the power that was present while they conquered their fears the same as mine; I felt their vulnerability.
This life is all about relationships. Within relationships, we learn. Communicating was always something I wasn’t exactly comfortable with. My default was just to become emotional when things became too real. But slowly, I’m evolving.
The people in my life transform me every day. They listen to me and believe in me and that alone is incredibly motivational.
I recently shared childhood stories with my therapist. Stories about all those cruel kids who used to pick on me for many years. I knew that it had a deep impact on me, but I hadn’t realized that I was still letting it affect me in my everyday life. Point being, I know the past is done and gone. I can’t change it. I only wish to understand myself and feel comfortable about who I am. And so I am working on it.
The future me is more confident. The future me is more adjusted. The future me feels more stability. The future me also respects the present me. I know I have so far to go, but I believe in the gift of time. Every day is a new chance to see things in a new light. A chance to move on.
One day I hope to give a speech to a much larger audience than just my classroom. I hope that my words will touch lives. Above all, I hope to leave behind a lasting impression in the minds of others.
Things are moving fast these days. That’s both exciting and scary for me. I met with my advisor this week to talk about what my next steps should be. I will be graduating in approximately 10 months. There are many universities to research and decide on, personal essays to write and many scholarships to apply for. I’m thrilled that my dream is happening. At the same time, I’m always wondering how I will pull it all together.
When you attend college at my age, it isn’t clear what to expect. Now that I’m in my third semester, I believe I get it. This experience hasn’t just been a way to hopefully secure a decent career for myself in the future. College has been a forum to meet new people, open my mind to things I never used to think about, awaken my critical thinking skills, something to give my all to, but most of all it is shaping me. When I am done with this journey, that I am only just beginning, I will be someone who knows what she wants and knows how to get it. I am partly there now, but I have so far to go. The path is long, but the view is worth it.
Every night before I go to bed, I think about what I am working towards. I remember how lucky I am to be given the opportunity to work towards my dreams. I envision my future and I know that all the struggle is for a reason. This is all happening and it is so very real.
It could be because I am mellowing out to some Pink Floyd or that the melatonin I took has me feeling a bit loopy, or perhaps the full moon. Tonight has me thinking.
Why is it as I slowly inch closer to my goals that I am struggling to even begin to understand or define who I am and what I stand for? Is it the knowledge that is pushing me into places I have never been before towards those thoughts I have never faced? The ones I have kept pushed away.
I believe that my shyness has never really gotten me anywhere in life. Then again, this newfound overly-confident, outspoken, much too sarcastic and maybe even inappropriate person I have turned into doesn’t feel too familiar either. That isn’t who I really am.
It’s somewhere just between. That is where I want to float. A cloud between the heavens and the seas.
Just because you have been, doesn’t mean you must continue to be…
I have to give my very first public speech at school next week. Somehow this is bringing out things I haven’t thought about in so very long. Years of being picked on and made fun of. I feel as if I’m 14 again.
I’m only two weeks in to the semester and I’m already feeling it. For me, the most important thing to remember is that I can only do so much in one day. When I have reached my maximum, I must relax.
So after an epic candle-lit bubble bath, I am off to bed so I am able to wake up early tomorrow and hit the gym. It’s been too long.