Royal Plans

Recently I have been reading, researching, and studying Buddhism.  I still have infinite lessons to learn.  Not only with this newfound interest; in endless areas of my life as well as existence in general.

Letting go seems to be my most prevalent fault.  It has always been a challenge for me, but at this point in my life I am realizing how much it has held me back, hindered my growth, and contributed to much pain in my past.  Even now, I know that I am still holding on to things I should have demolished by now.

My battle is with the deep amounts of love that I feel.  The attachment.  I struggle with finding the courage to release something/someone that has been a part of me for so very long.  And although I know there is nothing left to hold onto, the thought of letting go is equivalent to agreeing to never think of any of it again.  To surrender.  It feels as if I choose to say goodbye to that enormous part of my past that what I am really saying is that it never existed.  If I let go, did it ever really happen?  Does it disappear?  It continues to hurt me every day.

I still don’t have an answer, but I am always trying.  To understand me.  To understand love, pain, and letting go.  To understand the depths of my emotions and how to feel them, share them, and use them to move through moments instead of getting stuck within them.

 

Mind Memorandum

If you believe in any sort of higher power, spirituality, force of life, or predetermined destiny-lined path; hear this.  Everything will change.  Constants sway, shift, rock, fall, climb, and soar across our endless uncharted skies.

Change is undeniably, entirely, and unbelievably necessary; refreshing and healing.  Flow with it, feel it, expect it, embrace it and live for it.  Learn from it.  Everyday.

{to be continued}

Origins

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I Built this Home

from the darkness,

the sun

Moments now,

and gone

Sharp letdowns,

highest hopes

Time running out

empty

light bright

keys lost in the

middle of the night

Bare land burnt

days on end

Years did not

mend

Turned around

rearview navigation,

the great unknown

puzzles

pieces

I Built this

Dream

way back

when

all of everything

fell roughly

gently into

place

I Built this

Life

of dust and rust

burst through barriers

stardust shimmers

roaring fires

soothing souls

Found my key

broke that lock

ran from rain

felt the shine

I Built this

Place

far from perfection

did not meet my previous expectation

now it is

all I’ll ever need

{JSC}

Compression Confessional

Sometimes I hold my breath so hard

the wind knocks me

out

When I cannot, do not want to

gasp for

air, there

is nothing keeping

it in, away

Hidden, buried below

all my

PRESSURE

Not now or

evermore, will

expectations cease

stabbing me senseless,

breathless

until I’ve dissolved

misunderstood, intensely

waiting,

fiercely wanting

success…

Reprieve

  
More than notes, afraid to leave the silent piano,

of my soprano tongue.

Halves, quarters, and whole.

You are the depths of the lengths

of the mountains I have been waiting

to climb.

In time, you have melted my glaciers

into a ravenous river,

that flows.

I know the secret to the unanswerable

practically unpractical.

In all actuality, it was me

waiting for your construction zone.

Could it be,

demolishment as a sentiment?

You cradled my broken beating box

slowly, and sweet.

Retreat does not suite me now.

Locked in your arms is where I want to wait,

for the last of lights to flicker out.

From the rise to the set,

let me walk nearby.

Sing the words,

let them go awry.

Intoxication within your

demonstration.

Years of the same

sort of pain and ponder,

and I wandered straight to you.

Magnetically charged,

bright boisterous bombs.

Right now is the finally,

a feeling of revelry.

Holding tightly to my new specialty.

I never knew I needed the rest,

but your suave soothing severity,

has kept me,

in bed.

Puddles Turn into Rivers

I walked along, in the pouring rain, as slow as I could

 one foot in front of

 the other 

 I wasn’t cold, I never felt a thing 

 Chet Baker in my ear, you were in my

 head 

 I was covered in

raindrops 

 Dancing quietly under

the 

moon 

 But what about my bed? 

 Those cerebral storms 

 Is it as empty as it feels 

 I’m not so much lost as, 

 Streetlights in my frame 

 Heartbeats guide me and I know exactly 

 where to go

 what to do 

 The celestial gleam is pulling 

 There are puddles

now and 

the streets are collecting 

 the sky’s downpour 

The night is mine,

I should 

 Go home 

 Call it a night 

 Still I keep sloshing through the

night rain 

 Tides pulling me 

 in every which way 

 There is no where left to go, 

 the sidewalks are rivers 

and I am

swimming now 

 in thoughts of you

Pressing

Dear fragile soul

You are not meant to understand

There are plently things you will never know

You will fall, you will win

There are times you will fail before you even begin

Days will hurt

You will run

As hard as it is

There will be fun

And you will love

you will lose

the skies will be grey and blue

beyond the edges of this vast world

endless at that

you will be loved for real

if you can only learn how to feel

the answers are not all there

you cannot solve every riddle

Walk this soil full of that burning desire

and that heart you guard,

someday you’ll learn to share

let that sunlight warm the parts of you that hide

there’s hope out there waiting

but mostly it’s inside