Royal Plans

Recently I have been reading, researching, and studying Buddhism.  I still have infinite lessons to learn.  Not only with this newfound interest; in endless areas of my life as well as existence in general.

Letting go seems to be my most prevalent fault.  It has always been a challenge for me, but at this point in my life I am realizing how much it has held me back, hindered my growth, and contributed to much pain in my past.  Even now, I know that I am still holding on to things I should have demolished by now.

My battle is with the deep amounts of love that I feel.  The attachment.  I struggle with finding the courage to release something/someone that has been a part of me for so very long.  And although I know there is nothing left to hold onto, the thought of letting go is equivalent to agreeing to never think of any of it again.  To surrender.  It feels as if I choose to say goodbye to that enormous part of my past that what I am really saying is that it never existed.  If I let go, did it ever really happen?  Does it disappear?  It continues to hurt me every day.

I still don’t have an answer, but I am always trying.  To understand me.  To understand love, pain, and letting go.  To understand the depths of my emotions and how to feel them, share them, and use them to move through moments instead of getting stuck within them.

 

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Mind Memorandum

If you believe in any sort of higher power, spirituality, force of life, or predetermined destiny-lined path; hear this.  Everything will change.  Constants sway, shift, rock, fall, climb, and soar across our endless uncharted skies.

Change is undeniably, entirely, and unbelievably necessary; refreshing and healing.  Flow with it, feel it, expect it, embrace it and live for it.  Learn from it.  Everyday.

{to be continued}

Queen of the Fighters

Today I glanced upon my very out-of-date blogging avatar.  When looking at pictures from my past, I often feel surprised at just how much I have changed, as well as how much I should have loved myself in the moment.  The truth is, I am often waiting for something big (or small) in order to feel good enough.  Waiting for the next paycheck so I don’t feel worthless and broke.  Waiting to be smaller so I can fit into old clothes and not hate myself when I look in the mirror.  Waiting to graduate so that I can finally have some stability and success.  Waiting for my next visit home so that I can see my family again and re-fill the parts of me that are hollow.  Educating myself about my infertility and waiting to get pregnant so that I don’t feel the empty and devastating feeling that I will never know what it feels like to be a mother and as society would say, “never experience real love”.

I am aware that so many of these thoughts are bullshit, but when you are immersed in expectations, images, others lives, and comparisons 24/7, it can really begin to weigh on your own personal thought patterns and perceptions of the path your own life is taking. A huge reason why I removed myself from Facebook.

So yeah, I can remind myself a million times a day to live in the moment, to stop comparing, to appreciate what I have now.  The reality though is that it is and will continue to be a constant process and one that I truly do battle with.  I’m not afraid to say that I do live with chemical imbalances and mental illness.  This isn’t a reason to feel ashamed or any less of a person.  It just means I have to work to push myself forward most of the time.

I am working (it’s always going to be a work in progress) to see myself as I am today and stop waiting until I make some huge miraculous break-through.  Here I am in the moment, and I don’t need permission to believe in the power that I have today.

A few projects that I am currently working on:

  • Writing more and as often as possible as it always heals me.  Always has.
  • Breathing deep.  Seriously, it helps.
  • Walking more.  The weather and my neighborhood are gorgeous and I want to enjoy it as often as possible.

 

Thank you for being here,

Jamie

 

 

 

Origins

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I Built this Home

from the darkness,

the sun

Moments now,

and gone

Sharp letdowns,

highest hopes

Time running out

empty

light bright

keys lost in the

middle of the night

Bare land burnt

days on end

Years did not

mend

Turned around

rearview navigation,

the great unknown

puzzles

pieces

I Built this

Dream

way back

when

all of everything

fell roughly

gently into

place

I Built this

Life

of dust and rust

burst through barriers

stardust shimmers

roaring fires

soothing souls

Found my key

broke that lock

ran from rain

felt the shine

I Built this

Place

far from perfection

did not meet my previous expectation

now it is

all I’ll ever need

{JSC}

Finding Me

The last few months are a blur.  By that, I mean this school semester that just came to a close.  I have had the last 2 days to relax, decompress, and honestly act ridiculously lazy (actually a difficult task for me).  Within this slowing down, I have discovered some very hurtful and dark feelings.  I knew they were still there, I have just become very skilled at pushing them away when I need to.

I made the choice to prioritize my education the day I decided to go back to school.  I feel it is more of a sacrifice when you are in your thirties, already have a life full of responsibilities, and then add in a full school schedule.  Still, this is a sacrifice I chose to make.  Perhaps I never thought I would take it this far.  But, the more I learn and the more I strive, the more successful I imagine my future.  I’ve always wanted things I couldn’t have and often times than not, those things (traveling, buying presents for my friends and family on special occasions, being healthy, taking vacations, affording basic necessities…) have been hindered by lack of financial support.  I don’t want to forever deprive myself of certain pleasures and experiences like I always have.  Point being, I am endlessly working hard in order to accomplish my goals.  I never let myself forget that.

But along the way, I have lost myself.  I have lost my spark; my silly, happy, witty, joking, fun, lively, joyous self.  I miss that girl.  I long to have her back.

It will be 3 whole months before I return to school.  One more year until I complete my degree.  I know that I cannot wait until then to start practicing some self-care.  It feels urgent that I start taking care of myself again.  I need to laugh, breathe, sing, dance, yoga, exercise, cook, write, explore, and live.  I want to shine again.  I need to.

 

I don’t know if anyone even reads these words I write.  But if anyone happens to see this and knows what it is like to fall down a dark endless path and feel like you can barely breathe because it hurts that horribly, please hear this:

You are going to be okay and so will I.  Don’t forget about your shine.

Jamie

Between the Streets and the Stars

Woke up.  Meditated.  Discovered so many feelings stuck in the pit of me; working to carry it all to my surface.

All relationships, no matter the type, travel throughout peaks and valleys.  I find that I discover so much more about myself in my current relationship, then I ever did in the dark depths of my past trek throughout singledom.

My actions, words, and reactions slip from love to judgement much too often.  I am working on grounding my emotions and harnessing my fear so that I can exude more light and less darkness.  This doesn’t mean that I am not honoring the bad things that I feel, but that I am striving to balance and understand both extremes.

I am allowed to be me and I cannot pretend to be anything I am not.  Too often, there are things that come out of me that I am not at all proud of.  But I collect those moments, feel them, let them pass, and hope they dissipate slowly so that next time I can choose a softer path.

Point being, I woke up and remembered and cherished the fact that I am deeply and madly in love with my partner.  I am incredibly fucking lucky and I will not forget that.

Sometimes it can be difficult to let go of the engrained idea of constant independency.  But I am learning how to be myself in all new ways and it feels safe and warm.

Appreciate something today. Trust me. It feels incredible.

~Jamie

Growing

A brand new year and so many opportunities floating within the horizon.

A list of my newest ambitious intentions:

  1. Back to Vegan.  Turns out my body has allergies to dairy, eggs, and gluten (yes, I’m now one of thoooose people).  I once followed a vegan diet for approximately 6 years without fail and I felt great!  But this gluten-free AND vegan stuff is rough at first.  It’s been a week and I would like to say I am feeling better already.  Who knows though, it could be all in my head.  Either way, I am now and always will be thrilled to be doing positive things for myself to improve my health and happiness.
  2. Beachbody.  I have several friends that are coaches and, while they have never pressured me to join them, the constant success stories can not be denied.  It works.  Turns out that there is currently a free 30-day trial for the on-demand service.  I joined.  It has been 5 days.  We will see where this leads me.  I will take all the help I can get.
  3. Meditation.  I have really lost my way in terms of my willingness to set aside time for my mental and spiritual needs.  For now, my plan is at least 5 minutes  in the morning and night.  I always forget how much the simple act of slowing down, clearing my mind, letting go, and breathing can soothe my mind and body.
  4. Me time.  I am grateful and proud of my relationship, but sometimes I feel that I am losing myself within it.  I am committed to devoting time to myself and time with friends.  I can grasp way too tightly to my partner sometimes and I need to remember that we both need time away to decompress, bond with others and revive our minds.  We each need our space.  It can be difficult because of the bond I feel and the fact that I tend to be overly affectionate by nature.  But I recognize the need to thrive and grow in my own ways as well as providing that space for others.
  5. Balance.  The mix of personal, professional, and academic pursuits can often feel overwhelming.  I am striving to be more mindful of taking care of myself amidst my chaotic schedule.  I have extremely high expectations regarding my college grades and this tends to cause me to put intense amounts of pressure on myself.  I am working on being able to remember daily that I am doing the best I can and that is all that I can ever do, not to be so hard on myself, and to understand that I things do not  always have to be perfect, so long as they just get done.

I am working on me, constantly.  All I have ever wanted is to continue improving and striving for more progress, more life, more understanding, and more love.

Here’s to another beautiful year.

~Jamie

New Skies

Your hair all over my bed

Your face, in my head

You bring out the new in me

change the way I see

I’m learning how to readjust

and all the ways of letting go

I don’t know what will be

But you have been the best possible thing

All I know,

all I dream,

these days

is

If the stars fell from the sky

If the airplanes no longer flew

You are the one I want to lean on

And just maybe we could learn to fly

Into a brand new dawn

This Time Around

Life is all about timing.

When you least expect it, you’ll find yourself somewhere you never imagined.  Doing things you only dreamed of.

Fear can be real and sometimes justified, but when you decide to let go and give in, that is when life truly begins.

Our stories are changing, every day.  Nothing is ever too far gone or out of our hands.  Hoping and dreaming can move mountains.  Magic can happen.  I believe that.

Nothing can ever darken the light I carry.  I may fall over and over and some days will burn…

But the best is yet to come.  And it will be beautiful.  Whatever “it” is meant to be.

Bending the Bricks

She watched from afar, admiring what was never hers

Accepting things she never before knew how

Silence, now the strongest sound

The show will go on

As much as she once believed otherwise,

Her story moves forward as planned

Through distance and years

So, too, goes the hourglass’ sand