Finding Me

The last few months are a blur.  By that, I mean this school semester that just came to a close.  I have had the last 2 days to relax, decompress, and honestly act ridiculously lazy (actually a difficult task for me).  Within this slowing down, I have discovered some very hurtful and dark feelings.  I knew they were still there, I have just become very skilled at pushing them away when I need to.

I made the choice to prioritize my education the day I decided to go back to school.  I feel it is more of a sacrifice when you are in your thirties, already have a life full of responsibilities, and then add in a full school schedule.  Still, this is a sacrifice I chose to make.  Perhaps I never thought I would take it this far.  But, the more I learn and the more I strive, the more successful I imagine my future.  I’ve always wanted things I couldn’t have and often times than not, those things (traveling, buying presents for my friends and family on special occasions, being healthy, taking vacations, affording basic necessities…) have been hindered by lack of financial support.  I don’t want to forever deprive myself of certain pleasures and experiences like I always have.  Point being, I am endlessly working hard in order to accomplish my goals.  I never let myself forget that.

But along the way, I have lost myself.  I have lost my spark; my silly, happy, witty, joking, fun, lively, joyous self.  I miss that girl.  I long to have her back.

It will be 3 whole months before I return to school.  One more year until I complete my degree.  I know that I cannot wait until then to start practicing some self-care.  It feels urgent that I start taking care of myself again.  I need to laugh, breathe, sing, dance, yoga, exercise, cook, write, explore, and live.  I want to shine again.  I need to.

 

I don’t know if anyone even reads these words I write.  But if anyone happens to see this and knows what it is like to fall down a dark endless path and feel like you can barely breathe because it hurts that horribly, please hear this:

You are going to be okay and so will I.  Don’t forget about your shine.

Jamie

Advertisements

Not Enough Hours in the Day

Listen up.  If someone in your life is a college student, I want you to know that they are carrying a great deal of weight.  It is rigorous, exhausting, extremely intense, and sometimes it feels like being trapped in the middle of a long, pitch dark tunnel – feeling as if you may never re-emerge amidst the light again.

It’s tough.  It is especially challenging when you are attending college as an unconventional, non-tradition student.

Sometimes, no matter how much support you know you have, this journey can feel soul-crushing.

What I am saying is this.  I have found that breaking point where I am giving all I possibly can and it still doesn’t feel good enough.  But, guess what?  It most certainly is.

I am human.  I have a pain threshold and I have reached it.

We can only do so much and no matter high how our self expectations may be, it is important to remember that we will never be perfect.  In the wise words of Miguel Ruiz:

“Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.”

I have been doing the best I can and although it sometimes feels like not enough, I have chosen to accept my limits.  I am prepared to let the failures intertwine with my success.

We all have our pressures in life.  That is undeniable.  But we all need a shoulder sometimes.  Please let someone vent to you today.  Or simply call and ask how they are doing.  That alone, may be the greatest form of relief that person receives in a sea full of chaos.

Love and Light,

 

Jamie

The Wind and the Sail

Tomorrow.  9 am. CHEMISTRY FINAL.

As I head into the most challenging exam that I’ve taken so far, I would like to talk about resistance.

This semester has been rough.  From the outside, it most likely appears that I have had it under control the entire time.  That, however, is false.

In semesters past, I have spent more of my down time studying.  Time was more precious these last few months, as was my energy level, and my mental and physical health.

There were times when I was so incredibly exhausted, that I had to give in.  I chose sleep over late night studying and, at times, naps over homework completion.

This, although very out of character for me, for necessary for survival.  If there is one thing I am, it is a warrior.

And so, while I do feel I pushed myself, it was not to my maximum.  If I would have worked any harder, I felt I might have given up, and I am certainly not a quitter.

That brings me to the topic of resistance.  You have to know when enough is enough.  I needed to protect the little bit of light and life that still radiates within.  Sometimes I feel that I gave up my livelihood in exchange for my quest towards my education.  My life has completely changed.  It has purpose and direction, but sometimes feels so trapped and alone.

So the sky is the limit.  I can join honor societies, maintain an impressive GPA, and conquer every class.  But if I don’t listen to the voice inside that reminds me to take care of myself, none of the other things matter.

I once was a workaholic and maybe now I have become a schoolaholic.

But I will never forget to put myself first because I am worth that.