Queen of the Fighters

Today I glanced upon my very out-of-date blogging avatar.  When looking at pictures from my past, I often feel surprised at just how much I have changed, as well as how much I should have loved myself in the moment.  The truth is, I am often waiting for something big (or small) in order to feel good enough.  Waiting for the next paycheck so I don’t feel worthless and broke.  Waiting to be smaller so I can fit into old clothes and not hate myself when I look in the mirror.  Waiting to graduate so that I can finally have some stability and success.  Waiting for my next visit home so that I can see my family again and re-fill the parts of me that are hollow.  Educating myself about my infertility and waiting to get pregnant so that I don’t feel the empty and devastating feeling that I will never know what it feels like to be a mother and as society would say, “never experience real love”.

I am aware that so many of these thoughts are bullshit, but when you are immersed in expectations, images, others lives, and comparisons 24/7, it can really begin to weigh on your own personal thought patterns and perceptions of the path your own life is taking. A huge reason why I removed myself from Facebook.

So yeah, I can remind myself a million times a day to live in the moment, to stop comparing, to appreciate what I have now.  The reality though is that it is and will continue to be a constant process and one that I truly do battle with.  I’m not afraid to say that I do live with chemical imbalances and mental illness.  This isn’t a reason to feel ashamed or any less of a person.  It just means I have to work to push myself forward most of the time.

I am working (it’s always going to be a work in progress) to see myself as I am today and stop waiting until I make some huge miraculous break-through.  Here I am in the moment, and I don’t need permission to believe in the power that I have today.

A few projects that I am currently working on:

  • Writing more and as often as possible as it always heals me.  Always has.
  • Breathing deep.  Seriously, it helps.
  • Walking more.  The weather and my neighborhood are gorgeous and I want to enjoy it as often as possible.

 

Thank you for being here,

Jamie

 

 

 

Finding Me

The last few months are a blur.  By that, I mean this school semester that just came to a close.  I have had the last 2 days to relax, decompress, and honestly act ridiculously lazy (actually a difficult task for me).  Within this slowing down, I have discovered some very hurtful and dark feelings.  I knew they were still there, I have just become very skilled at pushing them away when I need to.

I made the choice to prioritize my education the day I decided to go back to school.  I feel it is more of a sacrifice when you are in your thirties, already have a life full of responsibilities, and then add in a full school schedule.  Still, this is a sacrifice I chose to make.  Perhaps I never thought I would take it this far.  But, the more I learn and the more I strive, the more successful I imagine my future.  I’ve always wanted things I couldn’t have and often times than not, those things (traveling, buying presents for my friends and family on special occasions, being healthy, taking vacations, affording basic necessities…) have been hindered by lack of financial support.  I don’t want to forever deprive myself of certain pleasures and experiences like I always have.  Point being, I am endlessly working hard in order to accomplish my goals.  I never let myself forget that.

But along the way, I have lost myself.  I have lost my spark; my silly, happy, witty, joking, fun, lively, joyous self.  I miss that girl.  I long to have her back.

It will be 3 whole months before I return to school.  One more year until I complete my degree.  I know that I cannot wait until then to start practicing some self-care.  It feels urgent that I start taking care of myself again.  I need to laugh, breathe, sing, dance, yoga, exercise, cook, write, explore, and live.  I want to shine again.  I need to.

 

I don’t know if anyone even reads these words I write.  But if anyone happens to see this and knows what it is like to fall down a dark endless path and feel like you can barely breathe because it hurts that horribly, please hear this:

You are going to be okay and so will I.  Don’t forget about your shine.

Jamie