Compression Confessional

Sometimes I hold my breath so hard

the wind knocks me

out

When I cannot, do not want to

gasp for

air, there

is nothing keeping

it in, away

Hidden, buried below

all my

PRESSURE

Not now or

evermore, will

expectations cease

stabbing me senseless,

breathless

until I’ve dissolved

misunderstood, intensely

waiting,

fiercely wanting

success…

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Not Enough Hours in the Day

Listen up.  If someone in your life is a college student, I want you to know that they are carrying a great deal of weight.  It is rigorous, exhausting, extremely intense, and sometimes it feels like being trapped in the middle of a long, pitch dark tunnel – feeling as if you may never re-emerge amidst the light again.

It’s tough.  It is especially challenging when you are attending college as an unconventional, non-tradition student.

Sometimes, no matter how much support you know you have, this journey can feel soul-crushing.

What I am saying is this.  I have found that breaking point where I am giving all I possibly can and it still doesn’t feel good enough.  But, guess what?  It most certainly is.

I am human.  I have a pain threshold and I have reached it.

We can only do so much and no matter high how our self expectations may be, it is important to remember that we will never be perfect.  In the wise words of Miguel Ruiz:

“Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.”

I have been doing the best I can and although it sometimes feels like not enough, I have chosen to accept my limits.  I am prepared to let the failures intertwine with my success.

We all have our pressures in life.  That is undeniable.  But we all need a shoulder sometimes.  Please let someone vent to you today.  Or simply call and ask how they are doing.  That alone, may be the greatest form of relief that person receives in a sea full of chaos.

Love and Light,

 

Jamie

Relaxation and Reinvention

It could be because I am mellowing out to some Pink Floyd or that the melatonin I took has me feeling a bit loopy, or perhaps the full moon.  Tonight has me thinking.

Why is it as I slowly inch closer to my goals that I am struggling to even begin to understand or define who I am and what I stand for?  Is it the knowledge that is pushing me into places I have never been before towards those thoughts I have never faced? The ones I have kept pushed away.

I believe that my shyness has never really gotten me anywhere in life.  Then again, this newfound overly-confident, outspoken, much too sarcastic and maybe even inappropriate person I have turned into doesn’t feel too familiar either.  That isn’t who I really am.

It’s somewhere just between.  That is where I want to float.  A cloud between the heavens and the seas.

Just because you have been, doesn’t mean you must continue to be…

I have to give my very first public speech at school next week.  Somehow this is bringing out things I haven’t thought about in so very long.  Years of being picked on and made fun of.  I feel as if I’m 14 again.

I’m only two weeks in to the semester and I’m already feeling it.  For me, the most important thing to remember is that I can only do so much in one day.  When I have reached my maximum, I must relax.

So after an epic candle-lit bubble bath, I am off to bed so I am able to wake up early tomorrow and hit the gym.  It’s been too long.

Early Riser

Had a mellow night and purposefully went to bed early last night so I could wake up early and refreshed.  So that’s what I did, but I had so much stomach pain when my 4am alarm went off.

There is so much anxiety inside me lately and I have yet to figure out why.  I wake up early specifically to meditate, because I know that is necessary in my everyday life.  Even during meditation, I can feel my heart racing.  Even during deep breathing and in the silence and the stillness.  I felt a little bit better after I was done, had some breakfast and hot tea.

My theory is that my almost hour and half morning commute to school is at the root of my anxiety.  Small spaces packed with people who can honestly be very cruel at times.  When I was transferring at Union Square this morning, some guy pushed me on the stairs and I almost fell backwards.  There are parts of me that despise this city that I once loved so much.  But I refuse to let the bad parts win.

I know that with anxiety and stress, it is important to change or eliminate the causes; either your routine, the environments that surround you or any people who make you feel uncomfortable.  I can only change so many things.

I live in an apartment building with so much noise, which can be at all times of the day and night.  The neighbor I share a wall with blasts music so loud that the bass shakes my room.  I have tried pleasantly talking to them, especially when it has happened at 3am, but they continue to do it.  I feel like there is nothing I can do to change it and that alone makes me feel anxious.  My room is supposed to be this safe space where I can relax, do schoolwork and sleep at normal sleeping times.  My neighbors make it nearly impossible.  I know that I should move, but I am only in NYC for one more year and just resigned my lease.

So I escape to coffee shops, my campus, the gym, and any other place in the city where I can get some peace.  I guess if I carry that peace with me, I can get through anything.

Lately I am getting to know myself all over again and that is both challenging and healing.  More than ever, I understand why I am such a dreamer.  I long for better situations, better surroundings, a better environment: a simpler life.  That is what I am working towards.