Had a mellow night and purposefully went to bed early last night so I could wake up early and refreshed. So that’s what I did, but I had so much stomach pain when my 4am alarm went off.
There is so much anxiety inside me lately and I have yet to figure out why. I wake up early specifically to meditate, because I know that is necessary in my everyday life. Even during meditation, I can feel my heart racing. Even during deep breathing and in the silence and the stillness. I felt a little bit better after I was done, had some breakfast and hot tea.
My theory is that my almost hour and half morning commute to school is at the root of my anxiety. Small spaces packed with people who can honestly be very cruel at times. When I was transferring at Union Square this morning, some guy pushed me on the stairs and I almost fell backwards. There are parts of me that despise this city that I once loved so much. But I refuse to let the bad parts win.
I know that with anxiety and stress, it is important to change or eliminate the causes; either your routine, the environments that surround you or any people who make you feel uncomfortable. I can only change so many things.
I live in an apartment building with so much noise, which can be at all times of the day and night. The neighbor I share a wall with blasts music so loud that the bass shakes my room. I have tried pleasantly talking to them, especially when it has happened at 3am, but they continue to do it. I feel like there is nothing I can do to change it and that alone makes me feel anxious. My room is supposed to be this safe space where I can relax, do schoolwork and sleep at normal sleeping times. My neighbors make it nearly impossible. I know that I should move, but I am only in NYC for one more year and just resigned my lease.
So I escape to coffee shops, my campus, the gym, and any other place in the city where I can get some peace. I guess if I carry that peace with me, I can get through anything.
Lately I am getting to know myself all over again and that is both challenging and healing. More than ever, I understand why I am such a dreamer. I long for better situations, better surroundings, a better environment: a simpler life. That is what I am working towards.