Finding Me

The last few months are a blur.  By that, I mean this school semester that just came to a close.  I have had the last 2 days to relax, decompress, and honestly act ridiculously lazy (actually a difficult task for me).  Within this slowing down, I have discovered some very hurtful and dark feelings.  I knew they were still there, I have just become very skilled at pushing them away when I need to.

I made the choice to prioritize my education the day I decided to go back to school.  I feel it is more of a sacrifice when you are in your thirties, already have a life full of responsibilities, and then add in a full school schedule.  Still, this is a sacrifice I chose to make.  Perhaps I never thought I would take it this far.  But, the more I learn and the more I strive, the more successful I imagine my future.  I’ve always wanted things I couldn’t have and often times than not, those things (traveling, buying presents for my friends and family on special occasions, being healthy, taking vacations, affording basic necessities…) have been hindered by lack of financial support.  I don’t want to forever deprive myself of certain pleasures and experiences like I always have.  Point being, I am endlessly working hard in order to accomplish my goals.  I never let myself forget that.

But along the way, I have lost myself.  I have lost my spark; my silly, happy, witty, joking, fun, lively, joyous self.  I miss that girl.  I long to have her back.

It will be 3 whole months before I return to school.  One more year until I complete my degree.  I know that I cannot wait until then to start practicing some self-care.  It feels urgent that I start taking care of myself again.  I need to laugh, breathe, sing, dance, yoga, exercise, cook, write, explore, and live.  I want to shine again.  I need to.

 

I don’t know if anyone even reads these words I write.  But if anyone happens to see this and knows what it is like to fall down a dark endless path and feel like you can barely breathe because it hurts that horribly, please hear this:

You are going to be okay and so will I.  Don’t forget about your shine.

Jamie

Inner Dynamics

One month in. My meditation practice is lacking and so is my sleep. On the other hand, I have been balancing home and school life quite well. 

I have bursts of passionate drive lately where I wish I was out working with the homeless, volunteering my time in some way, or writing creatively and not only academically. For now though, my push is to continually strive to put as much of my energy as I can into my education. I know that this commitment is going to lead me to great things in my future. 

I am not referring to monetary or material rewards, but making a difference in this world. There is so much to be done and so much to influence. I will never stop sharing my voice and although I am merely a molecule within a sea of other beings, I know that what I have to say matters. 

Here’s to knowing what your passions are having the strength to live them loudly. 

Love and light, 

Jamie 

Between the Streets and the Stars

Woke up.  Meditated.  Discovered so many feelings stuck in the pit of me; working to carry it all to my surface.

All relationships, no matter the type, travel throughout peaks and valleys.  I find that I discover so much more about myself in my current relationship, then I ever did in the dark depths of my past trek throughout singledom.

My actions, words, and reactions slip from love to judgement much too often.  I am working on grounding my emotions and harnessing my fear so that I can exude more light and less darkness.  This doesn’t mean that I am not honoring the bad things that I feel, but that I am striving to balance and understand both extremes.

I am allowed to be me and I cannot pretend to be anything I am not.  Too often, there are things that come out of me that I am not at all proud of.  But I collect those moments, feel them, let them pass, and hope they dissipate slowly so that next time I can choose a softer path.

Point being, I woke up and remembered and cherished the fact that I am deeply and madly in love with my partner.  I am incredibly fucking lucky and I will not forget that.

Sometimes it can be difficult to let go of the engrained idea of constant independency.  But I am learning how to be myself in all new ways and it feels safe and warm.

Appreciate something today. Trust me. It feels incredible.

~Jamie

If You Can’t Tell Your Friends About Me, Don’t Even Bother

To basically ever man in my life,

If you have a girlfriend, wife, fling on the side.  If you are f@cking random people, one night stands or hookers.  If you plan to cheat on your previously mentioned wife or girlfriend, stay the eff away from me. 

I’m 33 years old and I know what I want. And what I want is my own thing. My own relationship. My own future. None of that includes someone else’s someone else. 

I am not Option 2. 

I am not Plan B. 

I am not your fallback. 

I am NOT to be taken advantage of. 

I am an extraordinary incredible, caring, giving, nurturing, understanding and free soul. 

Take it or leave it. 

But I come first. Always. Don’t ever forget that.