Not Enough Hours in the Day

Listen up.  If someone in your life is a college student, I want you to know that they are carrying a great deal of weight.  It is rigorous, exhausting, extremely intense, and sometimes it feels like being trapped in the middle of a long, pitch dark tunnel – feeling as if you may never re-emerge amidst the light again.

It’s tough.  It is especially challenging when you are attending college as an unconventional, non-tradition student.

Sometimes, no matter how much support you know you have, this journey can feel soul-crushing.

What I am saying is this.  I have found that breaking point where I am giving all I possibly can and it still doesn’t feel good enough.  But, guess what?  It most certainly is.

I am human.  I have a pain threshold and I have reached it.

We can only do so much and no matter high how our self expectations may be, it is important to remember that we will never be perfect.  In the wise words of Miguel Ruiz:

“Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.”

I have been doing the best I can and although it sometimes feels like not enough, I have chosen to accept my limits.  I am prepared to let the failures intertwine with my success.

We all have our pressures in life.  That is undeniable.  But we all need a shoulder sometimes.  Please let someone vent to you today.  Or simply call and ask how they are doing.  That alone, may be the greatest form of relief that person receives in a sea full of chaos.

Love and Light,

 

Jamie

If the Sun Don’t Shine, I’ll Be Just Fine

The simple thing about dreams is, they don’t always turn out like Cinderella’s night at the Ball.  Life is not a fairytale.  Reality can be cruel.

As it happened, I did not end up being selected for the scholarship of my dreams.  It was disappointing, to say to least.  I had already imagined how life-changing it would be.  I vividly envisioned the future.

I could wallow in it and let it discourage me, but honestly, I am too busy preparing Plan B.  (Good stuff in the works)

If I am being honest, there was a brief moment that I let myself believe that all the hard work I put in at my community college would be in vain.  What a brutal thought that was.

The truth is, up until three years ago, I had no idea what I wanted to do with this gift of life.  My life.  I wasn’t sure what inspired me or where my passion was.  I know now.  Right fucking now.  I know what moves me. I know what pushes me.  I know what is worth fighting for.  I know what I am working towards.  I know what is driving me.

I will not stop pushing and climbing and falling and failing and succeeding until I accomplish my goals, breathe in my aspirations, and swim in my dreams.    And if that means I will also be swimming in pools of student debt, then so be it.

 

 

Number One

Today I got the news.  I was accepted to my first ‘big girl’ college.  The University I have been dreaming of, planning on, and working so hard towards for the last two years of my life.  Portland State.

So many decisions to make.  So many things to plan.

And so my future awaits.  I am proud, excited and completely terrified.

This vision still afloat

now in

the hands of

all the planets’ pulling

The unsettling of

the heart pushes

now, against

the palette of my path

until I reach that

fork that stands out

So very well

acquainted

we are

even in the dark

But the light is coming soon

No coins will

be tossed

Which way the wind

blows is

no matter to me

I see

Not right, nor left

not seen, only felt

Forward.

Tabula 15

So I’ve made it this far and I feel quite fantastic. Slimmer and, most importantly, healthier.

It has been a challenging 2 weeks so far, but completely worth it.

My original goal was twenty days.  I am shortening that just a bit.  Not because I don’t think I could make it that far, or beyond.  Mostly because of my future weekend plans.  I have a nice evening planned on Friday and I want to be able to eat dinner, not just sit at the table while the other person eats.

I’ve been doing some research in order to prepare myself for real food again.  As much as I would love to strive to adopt a fully Vegan lifestyle again, it’s not entirely realistic.  So I will be returning to a vegetarian diet, with more of an emphasis on raw foods.  Also, no more cheese.  As much as it pains me to admit it, I cannot consume dairy products.  They do horrible things to my body.

Coffee, on the other hand, I haven’t decided.  I am worried that it was causing some of my health problems.  So I will reintroduce it slowly and see what happens.

I am excited to resume normalcy in a few days.  Well, almost.  I’ve never really been “normal”.

***************************

Update from the scale:

27 pounds lost 🙂

Tabula 4

   

  
  This is me. Day 4. 

I was ashamed of my body for most of my life. 

Not any more. I’ve been wearing whatever I am comfortable in this summer and I will continue to do so.

Throughout this cleanse, I know I will lose weight and slim down, but that is not why I am doing it. I’m doing this for my health. For my future.

Okay, so back to day 4…

It came to my attention that I probably should have went to my doctor to get a physical done before starting this detox to make sure everything is okay. So I scheduled an appointment today. 

I’ve felt more motivated today and a bit more energetic, but the tiredness has still been pretty overwhelming. Hence, the scheduled physical. 

Overall, I feel good. And lighter. I am not a scale person, but I have been weighing myself  throughout this cleanse in order to know what is happening with my body. As of today, I’m down 12 pounds. 

Tomorrow I will be quarter of the way through this. 

Onward!!