Finding Me

The last few months are a blur.  By that, I mean this school semester that just came to a close.  I have had the last 2 days to relax, decompress, and honestly act ridiculously lazy (actually a difficult task for me).  Within this slowing down, I have discovered some very hurtful and dark feelings.  I knew they were still there, I have just become very skilled at pushing them away when I need to.

I made the choice to prioritize my education the day I decided to go back to school.  I feel it is more of a sacrifice when you are in your thirties, already have a life full of responsibilities, and then add in a full school schedule.  Still, this is a sacrifice I chose to make.  Perhaps I never thought I would take it this far.  But, the more I learn and the more I strive, the more successful I imagine my future.  I’ve always wanted things I couldn’t have and often times than not, those things (traveling, buying presents for my friends and family on special occasions, being healthy, taking vacations, affording basic necessities…) have been hindered by lack of financial support.  I don’t want to forever deprive myself of certain pleasures and experiences like I always have.  Point being, I am endlessly working hard in order to accomplish my goals.  I never let myself forget that.

But along the way, I have lost myself.  I have lost my spark; my silly, happy, witty, joking, fun, lively, joyous self.  I miss that girl.  I long to have her back.

It will be 3 whole months before I return to school.  One more year until I complete my degree.  I know that I cannot wait until then to start practicing some self-care.  It feels urgent that I start taking care of myself again.  I need to laugh, breathe, sing, dance, yoga, exercise, cook, write, explore, and live.  I want to shine again.  I need to.

 

I don’t know if anyone even reads these words I write.  But if anyone happens to see this and knows what it is like to fall down a dark endless path and feel like you can barely breathe because it hurts that horribly, please hear this:

You are going to be okay and so will I.  Don’t forget about your shine.

Jamie

The Speed of Slowing Down

Today feels fresh.  New.

I am enjoying a short few weeks off before I return to school for my final semester in my undergraduate pursuit.

I have so many college/scholarship related tasks that must be completed very soon.  But that will not stop me from finding some time to get away.  I have made it a tradition to take a trip somewhere every time I finish a semester.  Whether it is somewhere I’ve already been or somewhere new, I know it will be a chance to relax my body and my mind.  I need the adventure to cleanse my soul.

I am living in the moment and that is the ultimate gift to myself.

Work In Progress

“I remind myself every morning: Nothing I say this day will teach me anything. So if I’m going to learn, I must do it by listening.”

~Larry King
I got in front of class today and told a story.  Most importantly, I listened to others tell their stories and felt the power that was present while they conquered their fears the same as mine; I felt their vulnerability.
This life is all about relationships.  Within relationships, we learn.  Communicating was always something I wasn’t exactly comfortable with.  My default was just to become emotional when things became too real.  But slowly, I’m evolving.
The people in my life transform me every day.  They listen to me and believe in me and that alone is incredibly motivational.
I recently shared childhood stories with my therapist.  Stories about all those cruel kids who used to pick on me for many years. I knew that it had a deep impact on me, but I hadn’t realized that I was still letting it affect me in my everyday life.  Point being, I know the past is done and gone.  I can’t change it.  I only wish to understand myself and feel comfortable about who I am.  And so I am working on it.
The future me is more confident.  The future me is more adjusted.  The future me feels more stability.  The future me also respects the present me.  I know I have so far to go, but I believe in the gift of time.  Every day is a new chance to see things in a new light.  A chance to move on.
One day I hope to give a speech to a much larger audience than just my classroom.  I hope that my words will touch lives.  Above all, I hope to leave behind a lasting impression in the minds of others.

Full Speed Ahead

Things are moving fast these days.  That’s both exciting and scary for me.  I met with my advisor this week to talk about what my next steps should be.  I will be graduating in approximately 10 months.  There are many universities to research and decide on, personal essays to write and many scholarships to apply for.  I’m thrilled that my dream is happening.  At the same time, I’m always wondering how I will pull it all together.

When you attend college at my age, it isn’t clear what to expect.  Now that I’m in my third semester, I believe I get it.  This experience hasn’t just been a way to hopefully secure a decent career for myself in the future.  College has been a forum to meet new people, open my mind to things I never used to think about, awaken my critical thinking skills, something to give my all to, but most of all it is shaping me.  When I am done with this journey, that I am only just beginning, I will be someone who knows what she wants and knows how to get it.  I am partly there now, but I have so far to go.  The path is long, but the view is worth it.

Every night before I go to bed, I think about what I am working towards.  I remember how lucky I am to be given the opportunity to work towards my dreams.  I envision my future and I know that all the struggle is for a reason.  This is all happening and it is so very real.