Growing

A brand new year and so many opportunities floating within the horizon.

A list of my newest ambitious intentions:

  1. Back to Vegan.  Turns out my body has allergies to dairy, eggs, and gluten (yes, I’m now one of thoooose people).  I once followed a vegan diet for approximately 6 years without fail and I felt great!  But this gluten-free AND vegan stuff is rough at first.  It’s been a week and I would like to say I am feeling better already.  Who knows though, it could be all in my head.  Either way, I am now and always will be thrilled to be doing positive things for myself to improve my health and happiness.
  2. Beachbody.  I have several friends that are coaches and, while they have never pressured me to join them, the constant success stories can not be denied.  It works.  Turns out that there is currently a free 30-day trial for the on-demand service.  I joined.  It has been 5 days.  We will see where this leads me.  I will take all the help I can get.
  3. Meditation.  I have really lost my way in terms of my willingness to set aside time for my mental and spiritual needs.  For now, my plan is at least 5 minutes  in the morning and night.  I always forget how much the simple act of slowing down, clearing my mind, letting go, and breathing can soothe my mind and body.
  4. Me time.  I am grateful and proud of my relationship, but sometimes I feel that I am losing myself within it.  I am committed to devoting time to myself and time with friends.  I can grasp way too tightly to my partner sometimes and I need to remember that we both need time away to decompress, bond with others and revive our minds.  We each need our space.  It can be difficult because of the bond I feel and the fact that I tend to be overly affectionate by nature.  But I recognize the need to thrive and grow in my own ways as well as providing that space for others.
  5. Balance.  The mix of personal, professional, and academic pursuits can often feel overwhelming.  I am striving to be more mindful of taking care of myself amidst my chaotic schedule.  I have extremely high expectations regarding my college grades and this tends to cause me to put intense amounts of pressure on myself.  I am working on being able to remember daily that I am doing the best I can and that is all that I can ever do, not to be so hard on myself, and to understand that I things do not  always have to be perfect, so long as they just get done.

I am working on me, constantly.  All I have ever wanted is to continue improving and striving for more progress, more life, more understanding, and more love.

Here’s to another beautiful year.

~Jamie

December

It has been some time since I’ve really listened to myself: ages since I have actively taken the time to write out all the thoughts that travel tirelessly throughout my information station.

There was a time that I understood: myself.  Contrasted with those countless blocks of rediscovery and falling down, consistently.

It is time to be on the up again.  To surrender to the inevitable existence of personal spirals within.  No hope-filled balloons are lifting me up.  No one is coming to save me.  This is it.

Love me.  Hate me.  Leave me.  Or stay.

I swear I will swim rampantly until the tide pulls me all the way down.

Twinges 

How is it that being attached to someone on such a deep level can leave you feeling hollow? 

Searching for ways to heal myself from the inside out. 

Gradient Skies

Bare tree tops  

Knees covered in socks 

Autumnal filled rain

Crisp and bright

Sipping on steeped leaves 

Brisk nights 

Layered blanket swimming 

Darkness drifting  

Into morning

Air of change 

Smoky wiffs of burnt wood

Colors burst 

Disappear

The long grey haul

Before anew 

If the Sun Don’t Shine, I’ll Be Just Fine

The simple thing about dreams is, they don’t always turn out like Cinderella’s night at the Ball.  Life is not a fairytale.  Reality can be cruel.

As it happened, I did not end up being selected for the scholarship of my dreams.  It was disappointing, to say to least.  I had already imagined how life-changing it would be.  I vividly envisioned the future.

I could wallow in it and let it discourage me, but honestly, I am too busy preparing Plan B.  (Good stuff in the works)

If I am being honest, there was a brief moment that I let myself believe that all the hard work I put in at my community college would be in vain.  What a brutal thought that was.

The truth is, up until three years ago, I had no idea what I wanted to do with this gift of life.  My life.  I wasn’t sure what inspired me or where my passion was.  I know now.  Right fucking now.  I know what moves me. I know what pushes me.  I know what is worth fighting for.  I know what I am working towards.  I know what is driving me.

I will not stop pushing and climbing and falling and failing and succeeding until I accomplish my goals, breathe in my aspirations, and swim in my dreams.    And if that means I will also be swimming in pools of student debt, then so be it.

 

 

Reprieve

  
More than notes, afraid to leave the silent piano,

of my soprano tongue.

Halves, quarters, and whole.

You are the depths of the lengths

of the mountains I have been waiting

to climb.

In time, you have melted my glaciers

into a ravenous river,

that flows.

I know the secret to the unanswerable

practically unpractical.

In all actuality, it was me

waiting for your construction zone.

Could it be,

demolishment as a sentiment?

You cradled my broken beating box

slowly, and sweet.

Retreat does not suite me now.

Locked in your arms is where I want to wait,

for the last of lights to flicker out.

From the rise to the set,

let me walk nearby.

Sing the words,

let them go awry.

Intoxication within your

demonstration.

Years of the same

sort of pain and ponder,

and I wandered straight to you.

Magnetically charged,

bright boisterous bombs.

Right now is the finally,

a feeling of revelry.

Holding tightly to my new specialty.

I never knew I needed the rest,

but your suave soothing severity,

has kept me,

in bed.

Big Girls Don’t Cry

Adversity is what fuels me. 

Give me the lowest lows, the heaviest heart, the greatest disappointment, the sharpest betrayal. 

I’ll take all that bullshit, swallow it, get back up off my ass, and push on past it. 

You won’t find me fighting for anything that doesn’t move me forward.  

Life is too short.  I have no time for worrying about what I lost and what I could have had, where I might have been, what I used to want. Old dreams, old news. 

Better things are in the works. And they are happening. Now.  

The power lies in moving on. 

Number One

Today I got the news.  I was accepted to my first ‘big girl’ college.  The University I have been dreaming of, planning on, and working so hard towards for the last two years of my life.  Portland State.

So many decisions to make.  So many things to plan.

And so my future awaits.  I am proud, excited and completely terrified.

This vision still afloat

now in

the hands of

all the planets’ pulling

The unsettling of

the heart pushes

now, against

the palette of my path

until I reach that

fork that stands out

So very well

acquainted

we are

even in the dark

But the light is coming soon

No coins will

be tossed

Which way the wind

blows is

no matter to me

I see

Not right, nor left

not seen, only felt

Forward.

New Skies

Your hair all over my bed

Your face, in my head

You bring out the new in me

change the way I see

I’m learning how to readjust

and all the ways of letting go

I don’t know what will be

But you have been the best possible thing

All I know,

all I dream,

these days

is

If the stars fell from the sky

If the airplanes no longer flew

You are the one I want to lean on

And just maybe we could learn to fly

Into a brand new dawn

This Time Around

Life is all about timing.

When you least expect it, you’ll find yourself somewhere you never imagined.  Doing things you only dreamed of.

Fear can be real and sometimes justified, but when you decide to let go and give in, that is when life truly begins.

Our stories are changing, every day.  Nothing is ever too far gone or out of our hands.  Hoping and dreaming can move mountains.  Magic can happen.  I believe that.

Nothing can ever darken the light I carry.  I may fall over and over and some days will burn…

But the best is yet to come.  And it will be beautiful.  Whatever “it” is meant to be.