If the Sun Don’t Shine, I’ll Be Just Fine

The simple thing about dreams is, they don’t always turn out like Cinderella’s night at the Ball.  Life is not a fairytale.  Reality can be cruel.

As it happened, I did not end up being selected for the scholarship of my dreams.  It was disappointing, to say to least.  I had already imagined how life-changing it would be.  I vividly envisioned the future.

I could wallow in it and let it discourage me, but honestly, I am too busy preparing Plan B.  (Good stuff in the works)

If I am being honest, there was a brief moment that I let myself believe that all the hard work I put in at my community college would be in vain.  What a brutal thought that was.

The truth is, up until three years ago, I had no idea what I wanted to do with this gift of life.  My life.  I wasn’t sure what inspired me or where my passion was.  I know now.  Right fucking now.  I know what moves me. I know what pushes me.  I know what is worth fighting for.  I know what I am working towards.  I know what is driving me.

I will not stop pushing and climbing and falling and failing and succeeding until I accomplish my goals, breathe in my aspirations, and swim in my dreams.    And if that means I will also be swimming in pools of student debt, then so be it.

 

 

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Reprieve

  
More than notes, afraid to leave the silent piano,

of my soprano tongue.

Halves, quarters, and whole.

You are the depths of the lengths

of the mountains I have been waiting

to climb.

In time, you have melted my glaciers

into a ravenous river,

that flows.

I know the secret to the unanswerable

practically unpractical.

In all actuality, it was me

waiting for your construction zone.

Could it be,

demolishment as a sentiment?

You cradled my broken beating box

slowly, and sweet.

Retreat does not suite me now.

Locked in your arms is where I want to wait,

for the last of lights to flicker out.

From the rise to the set,

let me walk nearby.

Sing the words,

let them go awry.

Intoxication within your

demonstration.

Years of the same

sort of pain and ponder,

and I wandered straight to you.

Magnetically charged,

bright boisterous bombs.

Right now is the finally,

a feeling of revelry.

Holding tightly to my new specialty.

I never knew I needed the rest,

but your suave soothing severity,

has kept me,

in bed.

Big Girls Don’t Cry

Adversity is what fuels me. 

Give me the lowest lows, the heaviest heart, the greatest disappointment, the sharpest betrayal. 

I’ll take all that bullshit, swallow it, get back up off my ass, and push on past it. 

You won’t find me fighting for anything that doesn’t move me forward.  

Life is too short.  I have no time for worrying about what I lost and what I could have had, where I might have been, what I used to want. Old dreams, old news. 

Better things are in the works. And they are happening. Now.  

The power lies in moving on. 

Number One

Today I got the news.  I was accepted to my first ‘big girl’ college.  The University I have been dreaming of, planning on, and working so hard towards for the last two years of my life.  Portland State.

So many decisions to make.  So many things to plan.

And so my future awaits.  I am proud, excited and completely terrified.

This vision still afloat

now in

the hands of

all the planets’ pulling

The unsettling of

the heart pushes

now, against

the palette of my path

until I reach that

fork that stands out

So very well

acquainted

we are

even in the dark

But the light is coming soon

No coins will

be tossed

Which way the wind

blows is

no matter to me

I see

Not right, nor left

not seen, only felt

Forward.

New Skies

Your hair all over my bed

Your face, in my head

You bring out the new in me

change the way I see

I’m learning how to readjust

and all the ways of letting go

I don’t know what will be

But you have been the best possible thing

All I know,

all I dream,

these days

is

If the stars fell from the sky

If the airplanes no longer flew

You are the one I want to lean on

And just maybe we could learn to fly

Into a brand new dawn

This Time Around

Life is all about timing.

When you least expect it, you’ll find yourself somewhere you never imagined.  Doing things you only dreamed of.

Fear can be real and sometimes justified, but when you decide to let go and give in, that is when life truly begins.

Our stories are changing, every day.  Nothing is ever too far gone or out of our hands.  Hoping and dreaming can move mountains.  Magic can happen.  I believe that.

Nothing can ever darken the light I carry.  I may fall over and over and some days will burn…

But the best is yet to come.  And it will be beautiful.  Whatever “it” is meant to be.

Bending the Bricks

She watched from afar, admiring what was never hers

Accepting things she never before knew how

Silence, now the strongest sound

The show will go on

As much as she once believed otherwise,

Her story moves forward as planned

Through distance and years

So, too, goes the hourglass’ sand

Shrapnel

I may go out kicking and screaming,

at first 

but that will soon fade

While I encompass your mind, long after I’m gone

Will you enjoy your bitter shade?

All those times you could not wait,

to be rid of me

Reverberate your soul now

in a different plea

Don’t you worry,

I will leave quietly

Freedom is yours

Disappearing deeply, ever so softly,

closing those doors

The only sound now is the shattering of hope

Dead in the night

After all this time, I have lost all my fight

And if you ever wonder, my dear

What became of that girl you once knew

Bury each and every thought

For I will surely be doing alright

Living Vs. Waiting 

  Life is happening now. Don’t wait for it to get better. Don’t base your future on those things that “could” happen. 
Figure out what you want. Make that happen. Live in the now. 
It was a wonderful week. Life is good. I am happy. 

Fluffiness Fondness

It’s okay to be whatever the fuck you want to be.  Without makeup, without covering up or being ashamed, without being cruel to yourself for not being perfect.  It is okay to look in the mirror and be happy.  I finally feel that.

It turns out, life is full of so much good.

There is so much potential waiting out there.

Even if you are a “plus size” women living in an overly critical world.

Even if you happen to have thick thighs, a pudgy tummy, a little jiggle in your step, a slight double-chin.

So many imperfections and million reasons to love me just the way I am.

I feel so comfortable being me lately.  I have accepted all the flaws.  Although I am always striving to better myself in countless ways, I will not forget to honor the sanctity of my current self.  This warrior woman made of fire.  Full of the wildest, unrestrained, unconfined passion.

Something wonderful happens when you have the strength to accept yourself and love every blemish.

The world replies, loving you back.

You attract whatever you give.  Simple, and absolutely true.

I’ve grown.  I’ve learned.  I am perfectly imperfect.

Always.